Saturday, February 14, 2009

You hear people say how much life changes after having a baby but you realize the gravity and magnitude of that truth only after you've experienced it yourself. Its a momentous occasion truly but a lot of people have it before they are truly ready for it or understand its significance and the effects it necessarily has. Having a baby doesn't only mean having an adorable extension to your family it means a whole different dynamic taking place in your existence as a couple and you better be ready for it and have a strong marriage to sustain it as well as a strong sense of who you are.

In my case because of the long wait we were more than ready, there was already everything that we had done, the late nights and the parties were something that we didn't mind missing anymore. We already knew everything there is to know about each other and done everything from jumping out of the sky to partying all night. But even then it is difficult to maintain the balance between baby and hubby. I want to spend every waking minute with Aleyna to the exclusion of everyone and everything. I marvel at couples who have babies immediately after they get married - it certainly ain't easy. I have seen cases where after the initial excitement and whirlwind of the baby settles, the woman realizes that a huge change has taken place. She can't go out as much with her husband no more romantic candlelit dinners 'discovering' each other. A new marriage is in itself a challenge, where you have to learn to co exist with each other. You haven't laid grounds as a couple yet, not formed a foundation of your relationship to which you're adding another floor so to speak, thus the building isn't very strong to withstand the extra pressure. . The woman feels torn between looking after the baby, being with the husband or taking care of how she looks and ends up a mess. There is unspoken expectations to be super mom, super wife, superwoman and sometimes you lose the plot, add to that the extra pounds that don't necessarily make you look your best. The woman is not allowed to have a bad day or feel miserable, and unsure of herself or her new marriage because that is immediately categorized as being self indulgent and ungrateful of the miracle that is her baby. Talk about having too much on your plate.

But women make it through, I can only say that never in a million years could a man [correction 'most' men, there are always exceptions to the rule] have a baby and I'm not talking about the physical impossibility.....


Loz said...

Ah - and I could tell you about the burden of fatherhood and the pressure on man to be the provider and protector which can lead to all sorts of other pressures in life :)

Congratulations on parenthood, it is the most wonderful thing that comes from a marriage.

Joseph said...

sounds to me as though married love relies on being "unconditional"

This is why I plan on marrying a labrador or golden retriever of some kind....

John said...

I've always told my son that one of the greatest things about being a boy is that you get to grow up to be a Dad. Girls have to be Moms; boys get to be Dads! (and never have to completely grow up!)

Jean-Luc Picard said... of the joys a person faces.

Mark said...

You have made some excellent points. A baby does add new dimensions to a relationship and in a new relationship can add much strain. Couples need to be couples first before they invite a child into their life.
I understand your thought on a man having a baby ... I will say that I have met women who were not capable of being mothers and I have met men who made fantastic parents. There is more at play here then gender.

Greg said...

I've learned having a kid is the ultimate test for what you believe about reality and life. I really don't think people can stand for anything unless they can stand for it while protecting a child that carries their blood. Lots of things become less important. Other things become more.

Marriage, I think, is defined by children. Otherwise, it's just a relationship. And in this perspective of marriage there are many aspects that are never covered by any other relationship.

Random Magus said...

Loz: Of course both the roles are filled with pressure and responsibility and also the joy which you feel when your baby looks at you and smile.

Joseph: So funny you should say that, my next post was to be on unconditional love.

John: My little one is absolutely gaga over her dad. Stays with me he whole day but forgets me as soon as she see her daddy

Jean Luc-Picard: Absolutely out of this world

Mark: You are right one can't make sweeping generalizations like I did. But I have seen more women struggle with new marriages and babies than men. Or perhaps women talk more about their feeling than guys???

Greg: I think the wife becomes a mother and the husband than sees her as the mother of his children rather than his wife.

Saleel: Hi thanks for the offer

Nahoko said...

I came across this blog a while back and enjoyed your writings. Glad to have you back after your much deserved break! Congratulations on your baby! It is interesting to see all the comments made on your post- Many by men and fathers. I think that the experience of being a mother is distinctly different than being a father- of course none of us can really compare since we generally only experience one or the other. But I think it is very important not to dismiss the gender and the social pressures and expectations that are placed on women, wives, and mothers. There are some good food for thoughts in books like the Mommy Myth and Perfect Madness (Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety).

It took me a good two years to become comfortable with the role as a mother. For a good while I felt an internal struggle between being an individual and being a mother. I didn't want to lose my individual identity but I finally came to realize that they do not have to be mutually exclusive, and the truth is, I am both me, and a mother of two beautiful creatures!

I think that being a mother, while it is the most amazing experience I have had so far, can also be very challenging and difficult, yet there seems to be very little spaces in which we can candidly talk about some of these issues. So I'm very thankful for you bringing this up, and I wish you the best of luck and of course, if you need someone to listen to more thoughts on the matter on the other side of the world, please feel free to get in touch =) said...

A belated welcome back, and I'm glad I checked in when I did. :)

I am going through the Personal Development list on my site to ensure there are no invalid or outdated links...and I see you're 'back in business!'

Congratulations on your wee baby girl, and from one Mom to another, may I say that being a woman and all that entails is an example to your daughter, so it's awesome to be both - an amazing woman and a great Mom, all at the same time - they are most certainly intertwined.

Take care,


Marilyn Burns said...

It is sad when a mom gets into that position. I hope that they would be able to have their partner help them through the hard time. I am a male and I cannot imagine the stress of all those things piling on.

Mona said...

Oh, you are soo right bout this one here!!

Would like more frequent posts from you!

And congratulations on being a mom!

Random Magus said...

Nahoko: It was such a pleasure to read your comment. I have been a little negligent about my blog. It's not only the lack of time it's also the fact that I feel I have nothing in my head accept Aleyna these days. I will be sure to visit your blog which I am sure is as eloquently put together as your comment.

Shauna: Thank you. I actually think I have found my vocation in life and that's being a mom. I don't care if that's not awfully ambitious, as it's most fulfilling.

Marilyn Burns: It certainly helps to have an understanding and helpful husband

Mona: Thank you :-)

Aldohas said...

it's like we see ourselves everytime we see our baby, that's the joy

Random Magus said...

Aldohas: You are so right