Monday, November 28, 2016


In life there are always choices whether you choose to believe that or not. Sometimes not acting on a choice is a making a choice in itself. We can be fatalists and blame everything on destiny or the stars to take the easy way out but that would be a very passive way of living. Laziness and inertia can help one escape for a while but life is bound to catch up,  you need to push forward otherwise the merry go around will never stop turning.  But in all this staying true to oneself is of the utmost importance because going against your beliefs and the set of rules you have in place for yourself is bound to cause pain and great unease after the immediate gratification of pleasure. Life doesn't owe you favors you need to make your choices work with a deliberate intent to act! Burying your head in the sand and waiting for something to happen or blow over can work for a while but it's a bandaid on a bullet hole. So the best action is to grow up take responsibility for your action and your choices and move on!

Wednesday, November 2, 2016


Words swim up but something holds them at bay

Maybe it's me maybe it's you

Maybe I know if put them down they won't stop 

Maybe that is what I am am scared off 

The onset of feelings and questions they will bring in tow

The end of blissfully ignorance the comforting numbness 

It's so much easier not feel so much easier not to think 

Not to have a raging storm battering the confines of my brains 

Or Maybe I am waiting for audience

Do I perform only for you my spectators

Is there nothing I do which is for myself 

How much praise do I need

How much affirmation 

Why I can't I be enough for myself

Why do I need you to read and understand and praise...... 

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Seeing is Believing????

I had gone to an amazing magic show called 'The Illusionists', sitting there watching them I thought when people say 'seeing is believing' they are talking a lot of crap. Because seeing can be quite misleading, what we think we are seeing can actually be a pack of lies and sensory information can be erroneous. Which got me to think about illusions and reality.

It's our brain that decides and interprets what we perceive. We actually see with our brains and not our eyes. What fascinates me is the behavior of the brain when presented with two realities... when an object has more than one picture the brain decides what it will perceive, shifting between the two realities, but sometimes that only happens when it is given the cue that there are two pictures.

Cognitive “illusions” rely on our knowledge about the world but we have conscious control over them (we can generally reverse the perception at will). When the brain deals with extra information it makes a choice of what we will see first and then when we are told there is another picture it recomputes so we can see that, like in the Rubens Vase. As soon as we know that there is another picture the perspective keeps shifting

I kept wondering what would happen if we were to show the vase to a person who doesn't know that there can be another picture, how long would it take them to perceive the other image, would they even perceive it at all. So I made my five year old look at the picture she saw the vase and I had to point out that there were also two women looking at each other before she saw it.

 I guess that's why the pursuit of knowledge and constant broadening of our experience is so essential because until we are made to realize there can be more than one reality we don't see it.

Sometimes we are prisoners of habit, programmed to behave a certain way and in most situations that unconscious or primitive response takes over and and we interpret what we see because of memory and old habits.

If we are told to read out the color of the text very fast, we can't manage, we just read the word instead.  The two parts of the brains are warring with each other. Its only when we slow down and consciously decide to be mindful can we accomplish this task.

 So does that mean that everything I perceive, see, hear, taste, touch and smell is just a reconstruction from sensory data? What I perceive as the world is actually just an idea in my head?

 And what of realities we can't perceive because our physical senses don't compute the sensory data? lets think of animals that can hear better than us - because we can't hear particular sound waves, have never experienced them we don't have a mental idea of them and hence we don't perceive, but that doesn't mean they don't exist...

 If there are no innate truths, and all truths come to us through our senses; what if those very senses were prone to be fallibility, then where do we stand? If truths are dependent on our senses than is a color blind person giving testimony to seeing something green which was in fact red be called a liar?

Our truths are individual to us and can only be known to us through the context of our own perception.  It is our own unique framework that determines how we understand and shape certain contexts and perspectives. Where we grew up, our culture our history, language all determine our reality. Everything we see is processed, analyzed, compared and seen through the lens of not only what is evident in front of us but all our past experiences. Our experiences give shape and form to our perceptions and sense of reality. So if I was born into a different religion and had a different truth would not my entire reality be very different?

So is our knowledge of the world, prisoner to our very human perspective? And even if the world we live is real, are we imprisoned in the illusions fed to us by our senses?

PS: On a totally different note and an update to my last post...a few days back I had a meltdown and I yelled so didn't make it for a week :( also didn't go for my anger management workshop as was really busy. But as a good friend pointed before managing anything one must find out where it is coming from and that is a work in progress.

Monday, August 26, 2013

One Week Challenge To Stop Yelling

I have been in the phase of my life which I am calling my problem definition and then actively searching for solutions for the identified problem phase. I have decided to just stop being so damned lazy and actually have a definitive plan of action with a to do list to fight my natural procrastination. Because to tell you the truth I have become a little sick of myself - at being ungrateful, complaining and generally miserable with my decisions and lack of action. So one day I woke up and decided enough is enough I have a damn good life, lovely kids albeit a handful, good health and home life so the only thing standing in the way for my developing myself was me... it wouldn't do to feel bad for not doing something or not working or having a career, wasting my education, yelling at my incredibly strong willed daughter. So the first thing on my to-do list is th take a small step and try not to yell for one week, I came across this blog,, in which this mom of 4 boys took a one year no-yell challenge and actually did it. Amongst my to-do list is of course * no yelling for 1 week [i am not brave enough to say one year] * Spend an hour a day on my blog * Spend an hour a day on my looooong over-due dissertation which i am ashamed to say i still haven't completed I have been thinking about whether I am chronically lazy or afraid of being a failure one sure way of not failing is not doing correct? But this not doing has created a lot of anger inside of me - and testament to my absolute commitment for this change is I am actually going to attend an anger management workshop [yikes] but trying new things means you are making an effort to bring about change... Fingers Crossed!!! But I know as long as I stop intending to, and just do it, there will be results that follow. Intentions really pave the way to inaction!!!

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Walking around aimlessly I came upon this door, how come I had never seen it before? I turned the lock but it wouldn't open... How is this possible I thought...this place I know so well... How does it have a space I didn't know about?? How is it that I can't enter... I thought I knew each nook and cranny so where did you come from.. You mysterious door... What do you hold inside and what are you hiding from me...and how did you manage to remain unseen and hidden from me?!

Sunday, June 30, 2013

My turn

Do we only pretend to listen? waiting impatiently for our turn to talk soon? Do we love just to be loved back? Is everything just about us? 

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

I'm still searching for words....
...even as the story nears the end!

Monday, June 24, 2013

We spend so much of our time creating the person we want to be, the person everyone likes or admires. A person who looks good and talks well and does all the right things. And paradoxically enough, in that self-absorption we lose the person we really are. Who is that person?

Is it the model wife or ideal daughter or the skilled hostess? Or is it some stranger that lives somewhere in our head furtively waiting for chances to come out when our defenses are down?

We get so comfortable that we forget to question why things are the way they are. That there’s a world that exists beyond the perfection we have created so painstakingly and that this world is not as ideal. We don't want to hear or think about it and when perchance we do, we want to change the topic to some superficiality, which happens to be the fad of the day.

We never want to meet that stranger because that stranger makes us look inwards, makes us question our validity, asks us to venture out of our luxurious dollhouse.

We never want to go through the looking glass... what if we find out that it is actually we, who are ones living our lives backwards.


Thursday, July 14, 2011

Simplifying - not so simple

I truly believe that when you need some change in your life and you want it desperately enough the entire universe helps you onto the path. I have been suffocating under the pile of too much stuff - from text books that are no longer needed to jeans that I don't fit into anymore, in the hope of wearing them when I lose the post-baby weight .
Getting rid of everything has always been so difficult for me - I am a hoarder. W hen we moved countries it took more than four weeks just to clear up the clutter even then it wasn't done. I have some of my school books in my moms house, books from when I was in grade 6. So it is a chronic condition. I don't want to pass this onto my kids. I want them to grow up with a clear mind which is uncluttered - because I believe gathering clutter is a mental condition a deep insecurity that if you throw something out you will need and you will be stranded if it isn't there anymore. But knowing the reason for something doesn't mean that you can fix it. But I am trying.
So when I came across the website of Raelee Pierce and it led me to the journey of less, I truly believe it was in answer to my private supplication to be able to have a clearer head - to be able to breathe through the clutter of thoughts [which I am convinced will lessen if I can get rid of my hoard]
The journey started because I had been finding myself constantly yelling at my little girl feeling anger as she hit her infant brother and sometimes even rage at what I perceived to be her uncontrollable behavior. And one day as I yelled at her and saw her face harden my heart stopped, I knew this was one of the most precious relationship of my life and I didnt want to ruin it. So I went on a desperate search on the internet for help [strange as I avoid self help books] But I knew I needed help and doing it online would be the easiest. I had a free phone call session with Raelee and then she sent me a brochure about a summer 7 week session which involved reading a book, I pondered, not knowing whether it would work for me, but then thought what the heck. So I signed up and it brought me the book
When I came to the chapter on simplifying - it was like the universe had give me a massive kick on the rear end to get up and just let go - let go of stuff - let go off insecurities, let go of the fear of being lacking....
Well it has been only a couple of days but I threw away all the countess dvds and cds which hadn't been touched for years and which had followed me from one country to another

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Are we all voyuers??

There has been this trend going in Facebook apparently started by women [which I seriously doubt] that women post answers in their status much like a meme, the question is known only to women.

It is an innocuous question with a provocative answer. It started with the bra colour question where women were supposed to write the colour of their bra. The question is sent in the inbox and you have to write the answer. How having everyone in your friends list and their grandmothers know the color of your bra helps breast cancer, I haven't been able to figure out.

For the latest one here is the message I received
Remember the game last year about what color bra you were wearing at the moment? The purpose was to increase awareness of October Breast Cancer Awareness month. It was a tremendous success and we had men wondering for days what was with the colors and it made it to the news. This year's game has to do with your handbag/purse, where we put our handbag the moment we get home for example "I like it on the couch", "I like it on the kitchen counter", "I like it on the dresser" well u get the idea. Just put your answer as your status with nothing more than that and cut n paste this message and forward to all your FB female friends to their inbox. The bra game made it to the news. Let's see how powerful we women really are!!! REMEMBER - DO NOT PUT YOUR ANSWER AS A REPLY TO THIS MESSAGE- PUT IT IN YOUR STATUS!!! PASS THIS TO ALL THE WOMAN YOU KNOW

And now women are putting down stuff like in on the couch etc. So it got me thinking that not only do we like to look in on the private aspects of other people's life but we want them to see ours, and then we put on an act and get outraged about infringement of privacy in our lives these days. I mean hello? why invite then get offended and accuse of trespassing?

So why do we do this? Is it to feel more attractive and desirable or is it a kosher way of advertising your femininity. Is it just the tease in us women. I fail to understand

What could this kind of status message have as its purpose other than to invite voyeurism and have others speculate especially men? Then to go on speaking about womens rights and feminism.

I think streakers are far more honest in their intentions - if you want attention have the bloody guts to be open about it and not hide behind stupid provocative Facebook statuses

Saturday, September 4, 2010

If we don't remember something does it mean it does not exist for us???!!
I have been wondering why we don't remember our early years of course I have met people who insist they remember things from when they were two but I take that with a pinch of salt.
Anyway why don't we remember?
Kids do have a memory so why don't we have a recall of that memory?

Saturday, August 21, 2010

of dreams

Dreams are like the shock absorbers of our mind they are the amniotic fluid that protects us - the brain defense against the monotonousness of everyday life. I love dreaming - my own mind shocks and stuns me and shows me a side of me that I didn't know I had.

Sometimes in my dreams I design the most beautiful houses, the most gorgeous clothes - I am a maker of beauty. I sometimes wonder if that capability is locked somewhere deep inside and I could unlock it with some fancy drug?

I sometimes like to think that we are actually two people one that functions when we are awake and the other rebellious twin that is locked up, and it waits for night to come out and play .

Or maybe they are both just as real but exist on different planes of times and space. Just the way when its night in some parts of the world and there is day in others - maybe our waking life is the dream of our dream self.

What I am trying to explain very badly is that when we are awake our other self is dreaming and our waking life is that dream and vice versa

Did that make it any sense?? Its kind of exciting when you think about it. Our dreaming selves meet people that we haven't!!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Just a thought

You know as kids we all imagined that our toys came to life in the night, when we couldn't see them and had a life of their own. Especially if you read a lot of Enid Blyton, with tales of golliwogs and naughty dolls.

Well the other night lying in bed reading a particularly favorite author I thought how cool would it be if the characters in a book did the same. Imagine them all coming alive inside the book and living out the words. And how fabulous if we could get a chance to slip into the books as an onlooker or an extra in a movie set.

It really would be a dream come true - that's why I love dreams so much - because these things do happen in dreams especially if you have weird dream like me

PS: The book I was reading was 'Bloodsucking Fiends' by Christopher Moore

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

You are what you do...ain't that true

Okay I apologize for the terrible rhyme, but it was irresistible. I have been doing a lot of thinking recently, after quite a long time it must be said, and I was thinking about what makes us who we are. In the past I used to think that our thoughts and intentions are a bigger part of that picture. But using myself as an example I have come to realize that the sum of all the actions you do in a day, not even a lifetime, just a day, build up to who who become. It is a constant evolution dictated by our daily actions so I might think I am a reader, or a thinker, or a writer but until I do those things regularly, my claim means nothing.
Just doing an action regularly slowly becomes part of who you are, what you think and your intentions are like fuel but no matter how much fuel you have in a car it will be useless until you turn on the ignition and actually drive.
So if you want to call yourself a charitable person just thinking good thoughts of others won't make you one you must be charitable on a regular basis.
If you want to become an artist pick up that brush and do something daily then you realize that most things that we want to be require discipline and dedication and a lot of effort and if we put that effort we will get there.
It is easy to hide behind insecurity of not being good enough but what we really lack is the hard work everyone wants it easy, the shortcut, the excuse of not being gifted naturally is the best example of not doing something because there is no easy way.
The only thing in my life that I have put in effort for is my daughter and I see the result of that in myself and can safely say that that when you do put in the immense hard work there is always an output that is tangible.
And similarly not doing something, you slowly chip away parts of yourself, we are not constant fixed being, parts can be taken away and added, we are a work in progress, as long as we put in the effort and constantly evaluate, weed out the unnecessary and cultivate whatever gives us our meaning, contentment naturally follows

Monday, July 26, 2010

It feels so strange to write after such a long time - I had turned my back on writing and now it seems so difficult to turn back. Why was I so lazy and is anyone even interested in knowing?
I just felt I had nothing to say – my self totally submerged in being another person.
I was walking farther and farther away from myself getting totally absorbed and assimilated into being someone else – the mother, who only had thoughts about her child read books regarding only her, all hobbies all activities centered around her.
What time was left, after she slept, squandered away in mindless games, its as if I was running away from thinking or being more. It felt that the only thing I could do well was being a mom and was scared to try to be more, it felt like my natural vocation and became a carte blanche to be nothing else. It felt so safe to be what I instinctively knew how, to do the the first thing I was so good at without it taking massive amount of effort.
I woke up to the slow atrophy of my mind after reading someone else’s innocent remark. Changes that are personal can come from such impersonal sources.
I find that strangely hilarious.
Now it seems that I am back to trying to reclaim some of my old self without feeling guilty.
It was so scary to return to this page like a garden that you had ignored and was now filled with weeds, at the same time I feel excited as well at this tentative reclamation.
It becomes very easy to hide behind excuses, to rationalize why you are wasting away your mind why you are turning your back on growing forward, so easy and safe to lapse into mindlessness after a tiring day….
I feel so exposed right now, my fingers hesitating at the 'publish post' button. That is what writing does…. it brings the mirror forward

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Status updates in Facebook....

One of the most fun things about Facebook leaving aside the voyeuristic aspect which is a necesary part of the process, are the status updates.

They are not only a barometer to measure the 'status' of the person in question [a mini blog in itself] but also lead to interesting conversations much like the comment threads in blogs.

Often times you can tell who is fighting with whom and the undertones of what is not said tells so much more. The passion with which some make declarations of love and hate, bitter remonstrations, public displays of affection and lifetime achievements or the dull drudge of daily life are all part and parcel of this wonderful vehicle.

In any case I am digressing as usual - this is one of my status update and following comments which lead me to thinking... I think maybe first you should read for yourself.

Amber Azam-Kureshi's reflecting... There can be no happiness without the courage to deconstruct... that's why I suppose there are not too many truly happy contented people around

Friend #1
"sometimes the deconstruction isnt in ure if u were to deconstruct maybe u would have done it differently????and hence it requires luck then anything else...."

Friend # 2
"well i have spent the last few years deconstructing.. so i warmly await happiness as my reward"

Friend #3
"Luck, fate, coincidences..are misconception of our times. Believing in the above will result in a life tossed and turned by its conditions. Aim for a life where you dictate your circumstances..We make our own destiny!

“Increase your selflessness to such heights that before creating each destiny, God himself will have to ask the human “What is your opinion about this”.

Each and every one of us has to deconstruct in our life time, some do it knowingly and others in ignorance.

Who says that we have to wait for happiness or, go through the deconstruction phase being unhappy? Accepting the good and the not soo good from the divine with gratitudet will generate this content/happiness... Believe me, God has a clear plan for us!
"God does not play dice" Albert Einstein

Amber Azam-Kureshi
"When I was talking about deconstruct there was a clear distinction between ‘destroy' and 'deconstruct' sometimes we have to methodically and brick by brick take care of the excess we have accumulated - whether it is in material goods or emotional hang ups or misconceptions about the routes to happiness or what the world thinks constitutes as right or wrong.Sometimes we have to take chance and risks to make drastic paradigm shifts only then do we find out that what we previously thought we couldn’t live without or die for, doesn’t have the importance we give it.
And clutter does come in the way of happiness".

I have been thinking about this conversation in the midst of nappy changes and food wars and have concluded that yes it is not merely semantic there is a clear distinction and that lies in the method and rationality involved. To destroy somehow implies to emotionally ransack its irrational and thoughtless whereas deconstruction would be very logical, cold and ruthless

Even the words echo their delivery!

PS: Doesn't the word destiny imply that it is not in your hands?????

Sunday, August 9, 2009


Hi everybody, I have been the proverbial cry wolf, so won't even try to say that I am back. But was missing all the amazing people I have met during blogging so thought I'd stop and say hello. Part of the reason I have been so irregular is that all my day is spent with Aleyna and I hardly get time, when she goes to sleep there seems to be a whole other life to catch up on. But another part of the reason is that I feel that all words have dried up and I seem to only be able to talk about toddler menus and all things baby related - I must admit I have become totally one dimensional, I guess this is what happens after you have a baby. Even as I write Aleyna has managed to delete every word I wrote, thank God for the control z, button.

Being responsible for another human being is an awesome responsibility and an unbelievable pressure, you spent half of your time feeling guilty and the other feeling half quite proud of yourself. I honestly think us moms can be quite full of ourselves. I do this and this for my baby do you do it too? Everyone actually thinks they are the best parent and worst parent at different times.

Most other moms you meet are silently sizing up you and your tot and consciously and unconsciously you are doing the same. How much does she weigh, has she started walking? when did yours get her teeth and how many, do you feed her or has she learnt to self feed, etc etc. But somehow you don't mind being asked or asking. It is a club and you automatically belong. There is an openness and compassion, because each knows how tough it is to raise a little one and that you finally realize we all do the best that we can and that is all that matters. Doing the best you can.

Even if you have had problems fitting in with people all your life, or felt a square peg amidst round, a baby immediately standardizes and uniformizes you. Or at least that is what happened to me, and somehow where I once took pride in being 'different' now I don't mind being the same.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Is love unconditional?

Is there such a thing? People say that a mother's love is unconditional or God's love is unconditional. Unconditional love meaning love that has no expectations, love that just gives without accepting anything in return.

I have had countless arguments with people when they say that there is such a thing as unconditional and used to be told to wait till I was a mother to experience this phenomenon.

Well, I waited but still haven't reached any such conclusion. I feel a love for Aleyna beyond anything I have ever felt for anyone but then she is such a joy to me. Her smile when she sees my face in the morning literally makes my heart melt. But I still can't say it's unconditional as she give me love in return. I live for the new things she does and how she's growing a bit everyday.

With unconditional love you are not supposed to expect anything from the person you love, keep giving even when you don't get anything in return. It's true that only a parent gives more than they receive and they want the best for their child before themselves. A parent's love might be as close to unconditional love as one can get but nonetheless there are conditions attached to it. There is always an expectation, expectation that you will be a 'good' child. Expectations that change with time and some that are unconscious.

Unconditional love is a myth. You may fool yourself into thinking that you are loving unconditionally and don't want anything in return but that's not the truth. Even if you convince yourself that your love is unconditional and that you don't want anything for yourself, it might be the fact that it makes you feel good about yourself to feel like you have boundless love that doesn't want anything in return. Conditions always exist, some that might not be apparent to even yourself.

When we say we love someone unconditionally we are saying that we love the person for just 'being' and not 'doing'. We are deserving of love by just being a creation of God, that is enough of a reason to have intrinsic value independant of our actions. I can't wrap by head around that.

Because God too has conditions attached to our behaviour, what are the ten commandments if not conditions?

Saturday, February 14, 2009

You hear people say how much life changes after having a baby but you realize the gravity and magnitude of that truth only after you've experienced it yourself. Its a momentous occasion truly but a lot of people have it before they are truly ready for it or understand its significance and the effects it necessarily has. Having a baby doesn't only mean having an adorable extension to your family it means a whole different dynamic taking place in your existence as a couple and you better be ready for it and have a strong marriage to sustain it as well as a strong sense of who you are.

In my case because of the long wait we were more than ready, there was already everything that we had done, the late nights and the parties were something that we didn't mind missing anymore. We already knew everything there is to know about each other and done everything from jumping out of the sky to partying all night. But even then it is difficult to maintain the balance between baby and hubby. I want to spend every waking minute with Aleyna to the exclusion of everyone and everything. I marvel at couples who have babies immediately after they get married - it certainly ain't easy. I have seen cases where after the initial excitement and whirlwind of the baby settles, the woman realizes that a huge change has taken place. She can't go out as much with her husband no more romantic candlelit dinners 'discovering' each other. A new marriage is in itself a challenge, where you have to learn to co exist with each other. You haven't laid grounds as a couple yet, not formed a foundation of your relationship to which you're adding another floor so to speak, thus the building isn't very strong to withstand the extra pressure. . The woman feels torn between looking after the baby, being with the husband or taking care of how she looks and ends up a mess. There is unspoken expectations to be super mom, super wife, superwoman and sometimes you lose the plot, add to that the extra pounds that don't necessarily make you look your best. The woman is not allowed to have a bad day or feel miserable, and unsure of herself or her new marriage because that is immediately categorized as being self indulgent and ungrateful of the miracle that is her baby. Talk about having too much on your plate.

But women make it through, I can only say that never in a million years could a man [correction 'most' men, there are always exceptions to the rule] have a baby and I'm not talking about the physical impossibility.....

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Where am I from, Mummy???

Kids born in Dubai don't get a nationality only the Emirati or locals do. The nationality on their passport is the same as their parents. If both the parents are from different countries then I suppose the child would carry the fathers' country of origin. And what if even the parents were born in the UAE, what then? They'd end up borrowing their parents' nationality who in turned had borrowed their parents'. Wow!!!

The funny thing is that in UAE, the locals constitute only approximately 20%, the rest of the population is a mixed bag of Asians, Arab expats and others. Every day brings more people from all over the world to Dubai as they prepare to settle down with their families, or start ones, a lot of children are born here [the waters of Dubai seem to be very fertile, every fifth person you see is pregnant or carrying strollers]

So what should these kids do? They have to accept their parents nationality, but what if they don't have any associations or bonds with that country? They aren't born there, didn't go to school there, played in the parks there, they haven't made their friends there, had their fights, yet their passport says they belong to that country.

This got me thinking about what makes a person belong to a country? Especially in the case of the country not accepting the fact that the person was born there and for all intents and purposes its their only true home?

When I had this conversation with an acquaintance they gave their own explanation, 'whichever country your forefathers have migrated too, and adopted as their own, should determine your nationality'

But then where do you decide to stop and choose, your great grandfather's country or his fathers'?.

Would such kids be different when they grow up? Especially if they are of a questioning nature or will they just adopt their parents nationality, the one given on their passport even though they weren't born there and in some cases have just been there on holidays? Is it even fair to expect them to accept that country as their own if they haven't grown up there. Most of them just end up convincing themselves that indeed they are from where their parents are.

But nationality and culture are two different things you might be an Asian because of ethnicity but nationality?

Does having roots only depend on what your passport says or growing up in a place is what determines nationality????

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Not dead... infact just multiplied [7 months ago]

Hi everyone and happy holidays. I know this is after a REALLY long time more than a year 15 months to be precise but I was busy :-)

Had a beautiful baby girl last year June.

Meet Aleyna

At birth ---------- - now

I used to hear everyone says life changes after a baby but never knew how much!

It's awesome but I literally don't do anything but be with her - slightly obsessive but she came after 9 years and is my little miracle!

Friday, January 11, 2008

...the means to Meaning!!!

I have a crazy infatuation with words and can be very easily fooled by people who can use them well, my love for beautifully strung together words has been expressed quite extensively in earlier posts.

But sometimes the most wondrous moments in life transpire without any words at all and the effect of that wordless communication is so much more powerful. Sometimes so many things that are so difficult to express, because what you feel is so much bigger than words, can be said through a single glance. When emotions are perfectly in sync, words pale - and that's when you realize the truth behind the cliche, 'a picture is worth a thousand words' .

That moment and your experience of it makes you realize that words are nothing without meaning and that meaning is not dependent on words at all. They are there to convey the essence and if that's not there the most immaculately put together words will have no effect.

'Words offer the means to meaning...'
and without that meaning words are merely 'empty vessels'!

Friday, January 4, 2008

Ode to Belief

These days more so than ever my mind keeps dwelling on how brave people who don’t believe in God, really are. For if I didn’t believe I would find it so hard to find strength.

For me to believe in God and for that belief to be rational to myself I don’t need to back it up with any argument – it simply exists and if I were to try to negate it, it would still be.

When I’m scared, it is comforting to pray and leave it to an entity, which I believe to be much bigger than myself. Believing in God is the ultimate selfish act – it gives me much more than it does to God.

Believing in something is what gives most of us some meaning. There has to be something we believe in whether it is knowledge, truth or beauty or being right.

Everyone does need that belief – for with that system, some principles are born which give form to the life that exists in our head.

For me that belief is my belief in the existence of God, I choose to believe, not because I was taught to, as there are certain rituals of organized religion which I don’t follow at all, but because I just do, I don’t have an option even if I tried not to believe it wouldn’t happen. Only someone who believes can tell you the sweet release of letting go and leaving it to God with the prayer to accept with strength whatever outcome ensues, an outcome over which nobody whether they believe or don’t believe, have any control. You can only control the way you feel and that’s what you pray for.

I don’t care if it is the more unsustainable or complicated hypothesis to choose.

Let me explain…

William of Ockham says that when you are presented with two hypotheses that are otherwise equally well-supported by the available evidence, you should always pick the simpler hypothesis. This principle is known as Ockham’s razor.

For example, these are the two hypotheses

1. There exist aliens amongst us but they can choose to be invisible and immaterial to escape detection by humans

2. There exist no aliens

Both can appear to be correct if we measure their accuracy according to their descriptions. The rational thing, people will point out, is to believe that no aliens exist – it is simpler.

But like I said earlier, faith does not require a good argument to justify its existence. It is unexplainable.

I suppose this battle will wage on for as long as the universe exist with both sides believing in how absolutely false the other is. Arguments will be presented by generations to come, questions such as why God allows there to be suffering and why does cancer exist, why does punishment seem to be so unfair why do cruel people prosper and the good ones have horrible things happen to them will always exist.

But what people don’t realize is that when you believe, you believe unconditionally it is very much like the love a mother feels for her newborn baby who keeps her up all night and demands the world. It is all encompassing and has no argument for its existence, it just is.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Would you rather be Happy or Right??




....and you???

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Blue Tea Meme

Blue Tea Meme

Dawn has tagged me for the Blue Tea Meme! According to the rules I need to devise a list of 5-10 courses I would take to fix my life.

It’s more fun to be in classes with friends, so include one class from the person who tagged you that you’d also like to take.
Tag five other bloggers.

P.S.: I think I have been more prompt with this meme than I have ever been

Here’s my course schedule:

How to be lazy without ever feeling guilty: Since I am the laziest person I know and actually don't feel guilty about taking time out and enjoying myself, I would give a kick ass course. So everyone who is a workaholic and can't relax please join this course with me

How to say 'NO' to Pushy People: For this course I am having a specialist flown in, a certified sayer of 'NO', since I am very bad at saying 'no' to people and often get roped in to do other people's jobs, I desperately need this course.

How to get the last word in ;-D: According to my hubby I ace at this - so I thought why not spread the joy

How to be less paranoid: This is a course that I desperately need these days - tried out a few teachers but they haven't worked. Looking for an expert as we speak. Classes will commence as soon as I find a good one

Webmaster: This is a course I am going to take with Dawn aka Twisted Sister as I am fascinated with all things web-related.

5 people I tag

Titania Starlight
Sandip [I want to see the clever postcard that he can make for this]
Amel's Realm

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Giving thanks... why is it so tough???

We are always thinking about the one that got away and so we forget to be thankful for the one that we have. It's sad but it is true. In the enumerating of the things that we don't have we forget everything that we do.

Most of us are always looking at the house that's better than us and never the homeless. Only when everything gets taken away do we realize the beauty of what we had and didn't appreciate... so here's hoping we can all find things we are grateful for.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING to all my American friends.
In fact we should all give thanks for the pleasures we do have...

I would also like to thank Jeff and Meleah for the wonderful awards they bestowed on me. To Jeff whose own blog is such a great blend of humor and strength and honest vulnerability, '

The "Be the Blog Award" is given to blogs that, according to Mark, "really sums up what a successful blogger does. And what I mean by successful is that they make it their own, stay with it, are interactive with their readers, and just plain have fun."

Thank you for the wonderful BTB award and your kind words....
"Now, to nominate someone for this award. I will have to give it to Random Magus. Every time I read that blog, I usually find something there that makes me think. I haven't really been able to get back into the swing of reading and commenting on blogs lately, but RM was the first thing that popped into my mind. I have noticed that she hasn't written in a while, but her archives are just full of thoughtful nuggets that will keep you busy until she gets back."

I in turn would like to present this award to Greg, whose blogs are a constant source of entertainment and education... an who is a kick ass writer

And to my lovely friend Meleah whose blogs I love and who is such an amazing person, strong and kind..

Rules: The people given this award are encouraged to post it on their own blogs; list three things they believe are necessary for good, powerful writing; and then pass the award on to the five blogs they want to honour, who in turn pass it on to five others, etc etc. Let’s send a roar through the blogosphere!

Three Things I Believe Are Necessary For Good Powerful Writing:

1. The desire to write

2. Discipline

3. Knowledge of random things

I would like to pass this on to the following blogs because of their sheer writing prowess


Why Paisley


The Naked Soul

The Angry Barcode aka Intellectual Hedonism

Monday, November 19, 2007

A matter of the heart... or the brain??

You remember the time when you just started going out and your heart felt like it would burst with all the love you were feeling. This is the stage when your partner could do no wrong, the pedestal was studded with diamonds, things that will irritate the crap out of you later are so endearing and you stare in wide-eyed wonder at everything that comes out of that hallowed mouth. You need no one else and you are the couple that other couples look at with various expressions. Some are just plain annoyed at being unwilling spectators to unwarned PDA, others look with envy and yet others with a knowing look that says 'enjoy it while you can, it won't last forever'. Well scientifically speaking the last ones are the most correct.

When we meet someone that we fall in love with we are on cloud nine, thinking about them is the most pleasurable thing in the world. We feel like we are on an emotional high which is the most rewarding sensation we have ever experienced. We are blind to all faults and the thoughts of our loved one makes us tingle with pleasure.

The glamorous explanation is that love literally makes our heart go soft and gooey and our eyes twinkle but the more accurate explanation is that love has got more to do with what's happening in our brains or rather to our brains physically than our hearts.

When we fall in love, the reward or pleasure center in our brain gets activated, and starts firing every time we see our beloved or think about them and at the same time the part of our brain which is responsible for critical evaluations and judgments gets muted, explaining why the person we love, can literally do no wrong and why we idolize them. According to research this phenomenon lasts for two to three years... this is of course for the preservation of the species.

The mystery to some of the most stupendous stupidity shown by most couples in love has been solved....Love literally makes us or rather our brains go blind!!!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

To speak or not....

Have you ever been in a position where one action of yours could affect someone else's life in a big way? This person may or may not be a very close friend [I suppose that would play a very important role in your decision].

At times like this, it's like the two opposing decisions, action and inaction, both struggle ferociously to supersede each other. And in this conflict the question of choosing the right rears its head, so what do you do?

Take the easy way out or go for the tougher one?

When you are in a dilemma- do you choose to be comfortable or do you take the more difficult path.

It's easy to be silent and tell yourself you don't want to interfere in other people's lives and that you have no business minding other people's business especially when that means getting out of your comfort zone and being in the position where you have to be the one who gets to do the 'unpleasant' task. But the question still remains whether you are not interfering because you want to stay out of a messy business and not be responsible for possibly disastrous consequences or because you actually not the interfering sort. Of course if its the action that matters than your reasons for doing or not doing don't really count just the consequence of the action.

I think the one question to ask would be what would you want the other person to do if you were in their position. Would you want to hear the unpleasant truth? Is it wise to say what's on your mind or hold back because you don't know what the repercussions would be if you opened your mouth?

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Law of Diminshing Returns???

I have been going over this in my head for the last few days - why do we lose interest in things? The same things we might have fought tooth and nail for, hurt other people for, lied for - yet sooner or later that very thing loses its allure.

I have observed this in so many people of so many different backgrounds so I know it's not a culture thing - it's a human condition.

Nothing makes us happy for too long, not those gorgeous boots that look so sexy or the 10 lost pounds or that amazing new game we played. We get hooked, we conquer it and then it stops giving us the same happiness.

Happiness is a totally separate issue so perhaps I should leave that out right now, I am going to limit myself to interest. There are things that we can't wait to do, that are irresistible to us, we are obsessed yet when after a lot of effort they become part of our lives and routine they simply stop being as appealing to us.

Is it because they have become our routine that they stop being exciting?

Perhaps Economics would explain it better than psychology or philosophy - is it merely a case of diminishing returns?

This famous law was first written about by a Frenchman, Anne Robert Jacques Turgot and then alluded to by Thomas Malthus in his Essay on the Principle of Population (1798).

When one of the factors of production is held fixed in supply, successive additions of the other factors will lead to an increase in returns up to a point, but beyond this point returns will diminish

After getting those lovely boots and wearing them a couple of times or driving that sexy car, a point comes when the thrill kind of dies down. We become used to it.

Psychology would explain it as perhaps the human nature to want to conquer and once that need is met and the prey captured, interest lost.

I wonder why it happens though? What do you think

Saturday, October 20, 2007

It's me B'dy today

Hey all - another year older today. Have a great day plan with lunch at the boardwalk with 25-30 friends. Some live here some happen to be visiting. Then from there we'll go to 360 which is a roof-deck bar cum nightclub but on Friday and Saturday they start from 5 pm. It's pretty cool!
Hope this year will be totally rocking :)

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Pardon me - I'm a procrastinator

I think the word procrastination finds a new depth of meaning with me, but I am being harsh with myself. Have been AWOL because I was pretty sick the last week. A bit better now, going for tests on Saturday.

Anyway I have been amazingly lazy in honoring some tags and so apologize to everyone.

The first one was a desktop meme which I was tagged by Marzie, Twister Sister and Amel's Realm. And a just recently Titania as well. So here's what my desktop looks like

I also wanted to thank Amel's Realm for the wonderful awards she gave me, 'Totally Fab' award and 'Schmooze' award. Thank you so much.

And now for the dinner party meme
Dinner Party Meme: Come and Join Me! ;-D

Amel’s Realm has tagged me to do this meme. Since Halloween is coming up I think I will make my party a cool Halloween shindig.

Since I can’t cook it will all be catered. ☺

This is how it will look!

Pictures from

The rules as set out by Graham (the originator of this meme) are as follows:-

The idea is to work your way through the eight phases of the dinner party, answering all of the questions on the way - being as honest and creative as you wish. Once your homework has been completed, please nominate any bloggers who's "virtual" dinner party you would love to hear about.

1) The Dinner Party Theme: You have decided to hold a dinner party. When writing the invites you clearly state that fancy dress must be worn. Assuming that cost is no issue, who or what would you dress up as, and why?

Could I be anyone other than Catwoman - I don't think so.

2) The Invitations: This dinner party is for 6 people (including yourself), you are allowed to invite any 5 other people (either past, present, real or fictional), who would you invite and why?

6 people - this puts me in a predicament. I think this party calls for fun and excitement and a little danger....
1. Superman
2. Lex Luthor
3. Batman
4. Joker
5. Wonder woman
6. Circe

This is going to be blood curdling fun. I can't wait...meeeooowww
Who cares if I'm breaking the rules by not counting myself - I am Catwoman I can do anything......

3) The Starter: You are preparing the menu, which dish(es) would you choose as the starter, and why?

I have left it all to the caterers they did send some pictures.

Snake Bites **************** Jumbo Shrimps ************Torched Pumpkin Strips

Pictures taken from: The Food Network and Perfect Entertaining.

4) The Main Course: Okay, now for the main course? and what drink would you serve with it?
There is going to be a lavish buffet of dishes from all corners of the world. After all it's a gathering of the greatest heroes and their nemesis...

Some of the dishes include:
Steak Bites with Bloody Mary dipping sauce

-----------------------------------------------------Baked Bones

Barbequed Bat wings

Drinks: Unlimited - I plan to get my guests VERY drunk *insert evil laugh here*

5) The
Sweet: Finally, the sweet. Which would you choose, and why?

It will be a bewitched cake but of course...

6) The Entertainment: The dinner party has gone swimmingly, everybody has had fun, conversation and drinks have been flowing all evening. At the end of the meal you announce that everybody should perform their 'party piece' (no matter how strange or pointless). What party piece would you perform?

This is where I set my plan in motion and take the guests to my underground fight club where I already have very interesting fights and bets going on. I wanted to add theses heroes to my plethora...muuhhaaaa

Picture taken from:

7) The End Of The Evening: The party is over, everybody has gone home, the house suddenly feels empty and quiet. Your eyes fix on the hi-fi in the corner of the room. You search though your CD collection to put on some music as you want to listen to one more track before your retire to bed. Which track would you play?

Born to be Wild!!!!!!

Picture taken from:

P.S: If I have forgotten any other meme or award - please let me know....

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Of Dreams...

There are some things in life that should always stay a fantasy, a dream, a beautiful piece of fiction that gives you joy.

Because when and if it comes true - guaranteed it'll never be as rich and varied as it is in your dreams.

Because in your dreams you are not the writer or the creator just the spectator living a story, but each time with a different end and a different beginning. Powerless yet totally enthralled.

That's what's so wonderfully liberating about dreams, a free ticket to travel to lands - enchanted and magical. Beautiful beyond your wildest imagination unpredictable and dangerous at times, sweet and innocent at others.

Dreams - the little pieces of fiction that belongs to only us - heard by no one, seen by no one - shared with no one!

A precious gift - that we take for granted but never should

Picture taken from:

Tuesday, October 9, 2007


Hey guys sorry for disappearing like this. Had a little too much on my plate, physically, mentally and emotionally. College was crazy, dad was over, had to handle too many unexpected series of bad news.

Now I am trying to quit smoking - and it's not easy. Just had two today... So have been pretty much residing [read that as hiding] in my shell. It takes so much effort even to peak out. I'm slightly imbalanced that way. But today I thought I must.

Waiting for some pretty big news which I will get in around ten days so wish me luck and remember me in your prayers.

Nervous as hell about it!

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Amsterdam: A Photo Journey: Thursday Thirteen... Attempt 7

Thirteen photos from My trip to Amsterdam

I just bought a scanner, I've been meaning to do that for quite a long time, since I'm really lazy it took this long. Anyway I wanted to scan some pictures. As I was going through my album I decided to do a photologue of my Amsterdam trip in 2004. I just love that city, it was tough to stick to 13 but I had to as this Thursday 13 not 130. So I picked some of my favorites. We were a group of around 10 friends and to say that we had a ball would be an understatement

1. Dam Square is the physical center of the city and embodies the essence of Amsterdam. You can sit for hours and watch, there are people walking, cycles, trams, buses, cars and taxis on the same road which is hundreds of years old.

2. The Royal Palace on Dam Square. Jacob van Campen designed this building as a city hall, which it was until 1808, when Napoleon's brother Louis Bonaparte ruled Holland for 5 years. He thought the building fit for a king, and ever since this has been the official palace for the reigning queen or king of the Netherlands.

3. Leidseplein is a small square, with numerous bars and and street performers; everything from jugglers and fire-eaters to percussionists, mime players and clowns. If you look at the street lamp you'll see one acrobat

4. Rembrandtplien, which at night becomes quite the hotspot!

5. At Vondelpark which is the largest park of the city, close to the Leidseplein and the big museums. Filled with people, both visitors and locals. It's really beautiful

6. Getting on one of the trams that takes you from one part of the city to another. They are adorable.

7. Sitting outside the Van Gogh museum - that was such a trip. One of my dreams come true. Unfortunately the 250-room Rijksmuseum,[the one in the background], which contains a handful of exquisite Vermeers and one of the best Rembrandt collections in the world, was closed for renovation:(

8. Enjoying a cold beer

9. I think this is Jordaan - an easygoing and peaceful area, with lots of bars, restaurants and interesting little shops.

10. The canals are one of the major attractions of the 'Venice of the North'. They look so pretty and at night when the lights are on and the bridges are illuminated, the entire place looks enchanted. The four main city center canals are Prinsengracht, Herengracht, Keizersgracht and Singel, and of course there are numerous smaller canals.

11. Don't remember where this is - just remember that I had gone shopping .

12. We ate a lot - it was fun sitting and watching people pass by!

13. This was the Dance Valley - a dance festival attended by around 40-50000 people. It's hardcore fun!

(leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

1. Finding Life's Enchantments
2. Echoes of Grace

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Walk like an Egyptian...

I was waiting at the hospital, and decided that instead of getting impatient and ill-tempered as I usually do when I have to wait, I'd people watch, and a hospital and especially one in Dubai is the best place to do that [there are people from all over the world here].

I noticed a really funny thing, now mind you, this is just a hypothesis which has been induced after a few random observations and would need much deeper investigation to be proved or disproved. And of course this will be a continuing endeavor in which hopefully you all can help as well.

So my hypothesis or observation is this:
People from different parts of the world walk differently. Arabs have a different walk, Indians a different one, Central Europeans a different one.

Seriously I'm not joking. I realized this as I saw a woman's back as she was walking past me, she was wearing the traditional Arabic dress, the long black coat [abaya] but the way she was walking was not like an Arab [the women look like they are gliding when they walk, and this one was walking very purposefully]. So to assuage my curiosity I walked to the cashier a little ahead and lo and behold I was right although she was wearing the hijab, she wasn't an Arab [different language]. After that I watched a few more people and a fascinating pattern emerged and I decided this is something that I'll investigate further.

I intend to continue observing people to see whether this was a random occurrence or do people from different parts of the world do have a different walk. Maybe I'll have to broaden my groups but it seems like it'll be a fun thing to do.

Have you noticed this?

Monday, September 24, 2007

It's all relative

Have you noticed how the same thing can invoke two very different reactions and feelings in us. A cool breeze on a hot summer's day can feel heavenly but the same breeze when we are cold and don't have a shawl can be most wretched and unbearable. When we are sad everything seems ordinary, the most beautiful picture that may have moved us to tears of joy at other times can appear lackluster.

There are so many examples of this phenomenon happening, all of us have been through experiences that have at one time made us feel over the moon with joy and other times left us cold.

So maybe it's not the experience or the thing that is in itself sad or happy, pleasant or unpleasant, but us who embody those experiences with meaning. So these terms are relative to our moods and our inner states, to the time and space we are inhabiting at that moment.

A flower on its own is neither beautiful or non-beautiful it is a person who makes it beautiful.

P.S.: We move in circles - I had written something very similar to this in April - one of my first few posts. So my development is not linear it's spiral...round and round [that's not good]

Sunday, September 16, 2007

I got a message from my best friend today. Her husband's cousin just 35, was going to meet his mom and it was late, he didn't want to drive as he was too sleepy so he decided to call a cab. On the way to the airport the taxi rammed into a stationary truck killing both.

She asked me how does a family deal with such a thing. I didn't know what to say.
This was my reply

Dear Bis
Death is so difficult for the ones left behind - it seems so arbitrary and sudden. I just don't know what to say - it's a concept that cannot be grasped as its not possible to experience it first then talk about it, at best it can just be mourned. I can't even begin to imagine what his mother must be going through. I am so sorry for the whole family.

It seems so senseless that we have to make plans when we don't even know about tomorrow. I think in that way human beings are really brave - noble even.

At first I used to think that we were arrogant to make plans when we didn't know what tomorrow could bring forth, but now I think we are courageous. God has put forth the most difficult task on our shoulders. He EXPECTS us to live, to make plans all the while knowing that all those plans can come to naught the next second.

My condolences again :(

So how do we do it?

Note: Death and the concept of death holds for people who don't believe in God as well - so what are your opinions?

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Erratic Much?

Hey everyone - have been really erratic with my blogging and looks like the coming two weeks are going to be insane. So I apologize for not commenting the way I do normally, as well as taking so long to reply to the comments left behind. Hopefully things should settle down soon. I miss not having time for my blog :(

Edited to add:- Before I forget again I must thank Blur and Michelle for giving me the 'Nice Matters' Award and also apologize for taking so long to say thank you. Marzie had given me this award earlier on and I had thanked her, but thank you again:)
And thank you to
Titania for the 'You Make me Smile' award.

Well! Getting it made me smile:)

Warning :another postcard coming up........ *grins sheepishly*

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

I posted this on Paisley's wonderful blog called The Ink Pot, which I think is simply fabulous. I love contributing to it...

So today I though I'd publish the postcard version of the poem here. As you all know by now that I have a personality disorder bordering on obsessive-compulsive and indeed making postcards has joined the list of my various obsessions.