Monday, July 26, 2010

It feels so strange to write after such a long time - I had turned my back on writing and now it seems so difficult to turn back. Why was I so lazy and is anyone even interested in knowing?
I just felt I had nothing to say – my self totally submerged in being another person.
I was walking farther and farther away from myself getting totally absorbed and assimilated into being someone else – the mother, who only had thoughts about her child read books regarding only her, all hobbies all activities centered around her.
What time was left, after she slept, squandered away in mindless games, its as if I was running away from thinking or being more. It felt that the only thing I could do well was being a mom and was scared to try to be more, it felt like my natural vocation and became a carte blanche to be nothing else. It felt so safe to be what I instinctively knew how, to do the the first thing I was so good at without it taking massive amount of effort.
I woke up to the slow atrophy of my mind after reading someone else’s innocent remark. Changes that are personal can come from such impersonal sources.
I find that strangely hilarious.
Now it seems that I am back to trying to reclaim some of my old self without feeling guilty.
It was so scary to return to this page like a garden that you had ignored and was now filled with weeds, at the same time I feel excited as well at this tentative reclamation.
It becomes very easy to hide behind excuses, to rationalize why you are wasting away your mind why you are turning your back on growing forward, so easy and safe to lapse into mindlessness after a tiring day….
I feel so exposed right now, my fingers hesitating at the 'publish post' button. That is what writing does…. it brings the mirror forward

12 comments:

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Great to have you back here again!

Mark said...

I am so glad you are back! Your voice has been missed! Fear not, you are always welcome. Peace and love to you.

meleah rebeccah said...

Welcome Back Amber! You sure have been missed! xoxo :)

John said...

Writing does more than bring mirror close so that we can see ourself; it opens the door exposing us to our readers.

I think that we should always feel a little hesitation before hitting the publish button.

Glad to have you back, my friend.

Blur Ting said...

Welcome back!! It's very natural to feel that way when you have newborns. Afterall, their young lives centre around you.But it is good to find some time of your own because they will grow up and gain their independence too. And yes, you have been missed!!

Random Magus said...

I am happy to be back and thanks so much for visiting

Amel said...

Welcome baccckkk, Amber! :-)))) Great to see your here...being exposed is in some ways beneficial he he he...

Michelle said...

Welcome back Amber. :-) As you can see from all these replies... you have been missed!

(((hug)))

Ricardo said...

I think it is WONDERFUL that you are back and remember that this writing is therapeutic so this garden will be resurrected and will thrive.

candoor said...

so what happened to the facebook thesis and do you wander facebook these days?... over the past year, i've found facebook becoming an integral part of my social networking, both locally and at a distance... it is an amusement and learning experience before bed most nights and it is a calendar for friends to remind me of plans we've made (and vice versa)...

so what's it to you? (if anything :)

and update life :)

Random Magus said...

The thesis is still underway the biggest procrastination of my life - no amount of excuses can justify what has been a plain act of negligence and self indulgence on my part

i*maginate said...

Thank you for your recent posts and the thinking it has inspired in me.