Wednesday, November 2, 2016

ramblings

Words swim up but something holds them at bay

Maybe it's me maybe it's you

Maybe I know if put them down they won't stop 

Maybe that is what I am am scared off 

The onset of feelings and questions they will bring in tow

The end of blissfully ignorance the comforting numbness 

It's so much easier not feel so much easier not to think 

Not to have a raging storm battering the confines of my brains 

Or Maybe I am waiting for you...my audience

Do I perform only for you my spectators

Is there nothing I do which is for myself 

How much praise do I need

How much affirmation 

Why I can't I be enough for myself

Why do I need you to read and understand and praise...... 

8 comments:

John Hill said...

Hey, Amber!
"ramblings" showed up in my blog feed with no post.
Are you going to start writing again?
It would be good to hear from you again.
I hope that you have been well and that all is well with you and your family.
<><

Amber Azam said...

Hi - thanks for visiting - I am hoping to kick start my writing again. Was using my mobile to upload but wasn't going through somehow figured it out now

John Hill said...

So good to hear from you again! I always enjoyed your posts from so long ago.
My own blog has change much over the years and I now just write for me as much as anything. My readership has dropped quite a lot over the years and it turns out that I don't really mind too much.

Blessings to you, my cyber friend.

candoor said...

Yes, I concur, it is good to read you again... and hoping all is well at your end of this cyber path.

How well I relate (to both of you here)... Too well I relate?... My relatively ceaseless babblings appear just for me as they continue in spite of a relative absence of responses (except occasionally in email) and yet the longing for feedback rarely diminishes from a level between ambivalent nonsense, random pleading, and desperate hoping (praise and appreciation would be so nice, but acknowledgement that I and the babblings exist would be a change from the silence, ya know? lol :)

Maybe it is that I want to curl up with someone, at least in words, and just have them tell me I am as wonderful as I want to be... or at least worth the time it takes to know me. It's not as if I don't have a busy social life offline, there is just this huge void where really deep and meaningful sharing is meant to be.

I have come to expect, for better or worse, that I write way too much about way too many personal and random things for anyone to really want to follow along for long, but hey, I'm a dreamer and someone out there might relate to my ever spinning mind and if I don't put it out there, then I am not doing my part in helping that rather different (insane?) person find me... yeah, that's the ticket.

It would help if I made time to read and respond to others I suppose. :)

So what are we hiding from, I wonder...
What keeps us longing for more?
How do we lose our way, I wonder...
What is all this writing for?

I need to read myself think, I know that...
Even if nobody cares.
Writing lets me process life, that's a fact...
Even if nobody shares.

Sometimes I make life so busy offline
there's little time left to call mine
Am I escaping from a loneliness
that is deeper than anyone will confess?
What is the secret to happiness?
I thought I had it, more or less...

So what are we running to, I wonder...
Here in the writing world?
What are we waiting for, I wonder...
Some flag to be unfurled?

I cringe at the same old rhymes, and then laugh
at myself as I stare
at the screen as if it is the answer to
becoming whole or aware

Sometimes I distract myself with nonsense
I mean no harm is my best defense
Is it a crime to always want more?
Is it so wrong to open this door?
What is the secret being secure?
I thought I had it, some time before...

So what are we doing here, I wonder...
How will we know what is true?
What are we trying to share, I wonder...
I'll leave the last line for you
to answer...
(so now what will you do?)

...and with a wistful smile and a hopeful smirk I wander back into the night to continue the endless babblings I write and...

:)

Amber Azam said...

So nice to hear from you Candoor I miss our blogging days it's Facebook and instagran have taken the space of communication like we knew back in the days. I so get what you are saying it's amazing. I wish we could start the blog revolution again

candoor said...

A strange realization chides my mind as I return to read your comment after reading it last week... I wanted a "Like" button. Or a smiley-face button. I have succumbed to the emoji generation. My head hangs with disappointment as I giggle.

Sadly (and with appropriate self-mockery) I left without leaving any sort of reply at all.

I mean, I could have at least wrote "Ditto." :)

Amber Azam said...

It's too funny you say that I had a facebook post about instant gratification and the like button;)
I will add you on facebook my Id is amber Azam kureshi

Amber Azam said...

Hi. So good to hear from you. Even my readership but more due to my own fault than anything else. I just stopped being regular