Thursday, June 14, 2007

Pain Sucks...

I know this is no amazing philosophical revelation or new discovery but it's a truth that just is very relevant to me on a personal level these days. Not only is is it painful to see the person you love in an inordinate amount of pain what is more painful and hateful is to see is how that constant physical pain changes [hopefully temporarily] parts of your personality. And I have seen this in my dad... he's become so angry and so hurtful to everyone around... I tell myself it's the intense pain but it still doesn't make it easy to see the aggression...
So what does one do? Stay quiet and hope thats its the pain talking or retaliate?

I think a loss of control is what leads to rage when you find yourself unable to do the simplest things and need assistance... rage builds up. Although one understands all the reasons but when faced with an onslaught of angry words its easy to forget.

Pain is such a leveller as much as death...rich or poor, brilliant or dumb, beautiful or ugly... you can't help but change in response to pain

unless of course you can't feel it... as is the case with CIPA patients... but I'm sure lack of pain would be as debilitating as chronic pain itself....

22 comments:

Jean-Luc Picard said...

It is really tough to see others in pain.

Greg said...

Often what we project outward is a result of what we are projecting inward. Your dad is probably very angry with himself, like you mentioned, because he feels disempowered. Old age creeps on us slow so that's a lot easier to deal with then being hit with something all at once that challenges you.

I think it's ok for you to be angry at him and let him know you are angry at him. Don't treat people different only because you perceive them to be different. You might consider being gentler in your anger given what he has just been through.

What he probably needs emotionally is someone to come to him and say, I need your help.

Random Magus said...

... the one time I did.. I lost my temper and stormed off. But felt like shit later.
Went back and made up of course... but now I have come back and can just hope he gets back to himself... feel the worse for my mom coz she's not like me she's a real softie, no defenses at all.. ready to cry at the drop of a hat.
Weirdly I feel more concerned for her...

The Real Mother Hen said...

If I've a magic wand, I'll make pain like wind - easy come and easy go

meleah rebeccah said...

Its really hard to see the ones we love in pain , and whats worse is when we are not able to help them.

When I am in pain, emotional or otherwise, I am an asshole to those around me.... then if you take away my CONTROL over the situation... I am a stark raving lunatic.

Hang in there.

Random Magus said...

The Real Mother Hen : I wish I had that wand too

Meleah: I know it's all about control.. I'm like my dad - a control freak... take that control away and I am not such a nice person at all.... thanks

Bobby Revell said...

Hello Amber, Pain has been a part of my life as long as I can remember. My Father talked down to me like I was a living excuse for a human being and to this day it still hurts. I forgave him months before he passed away from cancer as we only shared a few cherished weeks of love (I'm so sorry this is so difficult for me to write It hurts so much) I feel tremendously thankful for that tiny bit of happiness we had and I try hard every day to remember that rather than all the years of misery I lived through. I can only offer you my sincere friendship and wish from the bottom of my heart that you get through all this and that things will be good. Your friend Bobby:)

Random Magus said...

Thank you so much Bobby... it's an amazing gift to remember the good and let go of the bad memories...
It's pretty awesome that you didn't let it affect your personality and your life...

Amel's Realm said...

I understand what you mean. It IS very painful to see someone we love in pain. And it IS not easy when your loved one becomes agressive and lashing out on others because of his pains. No matter how much your logic understands, it's HARD not to take angry words personally.

It happens to my Dad, too, even when he wasn't sick. His inner pains made him lash out his anger. Just keep on praying that he'll be able to accept the things he can't change.

This is one reason I TRULY love "Tuesdays with Morrie" by Mitch Albom.

I hope your Dad gets better, but most importantly he gets better inside first. And wish you all the patience and wisdom to handle your Dad. Well, at least you can be there for him. I'm half a world away from him and I can't afford flying home.

And you're SO right. Lack of pain is REALLY as debilitating as what you said. I once saw a kid on Oprah Show...she couldn't feel pain AT ALL since birth. When she was teething, she kept on chewing her fingers and poking her own eyes until one of her eyes was blind 'coz she couldn't feel pain at all.

Jeff said...

I had a similar experience. I had to learn to let the patient know that it was hurtful to hear the words and then withdraw as gently as I could for awhile. He got used to hearing, "I need some space, but I'll be back."

My heart goes out to you and Bobby Revell.

tigergirl said...

It is hard but thankfully the outcome was so much better than it could have been. I'm sure he'll be back to his old self in no time (and probably feel quite guilty, if he doesn't already).
So glad you're back Random - now you can have some 'alone' time.

Michelle said...

First of all - welcome home Random and I really hope your dad starts to improve. And I hope your mom manages ok.

Now back to the topic of pain. I've had to deal with bad pain twice. Once some years back and more recently from November last year till April this year. Yes, constant pain makes you mean. You reach a stage where you just don't care any more. You HURT and you want it to STOP - and you crack. I did try to not take it out on my family. I cried a lot more than I got nasty, but in the end (February/March) I had moments were I was snappy, mean and just so ANGRY. Being in pain made me very angry. I felt helpless and the dotors didn't have a clue and I hated them for that. I hated my body the most.

Maybe there's something with the crying? I mean, women get stress out that way. Men don't. Do men in pain get more mean as a result? There's a thought. :-\

This time around surgery and treatment have taken the pain away. Last time the only thing that worked for me was accupuncture. Pain killers were useless. I have no idea if acupincture would be useful fpr your dad as a pain control, but anything is worth trying. I'd have stood on my head and eaten tadpoles if i'd thought it would have taken the pain away!

Titania Starlight said...

I too hate to see my loved ones in pain. Pain I think can bring our animal natures out. I know we respond unlike we would if we were not is pain. While giving birth during a very particular hard labor I slapped my husband and cursed the nurses. I was not myself. I wanted to lash out.

I wish none of us would have to go through this. It's tough. :o(

paisley said...

i agree with greg, in that he may need reaffirmation of his position as patriarch of the family... he has probably suffered more severely from that feeling of loss of control than he has from actual physical pain...if you could find something completely off topic.. something that only he will know how to do,, or explain,, i think he will get that feeling of wellness that he needs to overcome the emotional portion of the pain..... glad to have you back, honey,,,,, i missed you.....

Looney Mom said...

I'm so sorry about what's going on with your dad and how it is effecting you. I don't have any great words of wisdom; just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you and lifting you and your dad up in prayer. I do pray that you both (and all those around you/him) find some peace.

Random Magus said...

Amel's Realm: Right now I just feel guilty fr coming back.. but I had missed a lot of courses and have exams next week so had to come :(
It's terrible being away so I can totally empathize with you...

Jeff: All the time I was there I tried to tell him gently now I have come back so the phone will have to do buts its not the same as being there.

Tigergirl: Thanks.. it's good and bad at the same time to be back

Random Magus said...

Michelle: Thanks for sharing and showing me the other side of pain... from his eyes. I'm so glad the pain's subsided.

Titania Starlight: I too wish we had button that would help us forward all the pain....

Paisley: Thanks for the welcome back... the first thing I did after coming back was get back to Blogger to see you all again. I missed you guys a lot

Looney Mom: Thank you so much for your prayers. Need them desperately

Phil said...

Thanks for sharing what's happening. I will continue to pray for you. God will take your pain if you let Him. Even at the worst times when parents are weak, in pain and miss the boat in regards to caring for their children, our heavenly Father knows our needs. He is there for you. Praying for you, Phil

Mrs. Schmitty said...

It's a horrible thing to deal with. Very emotionally draining.

Paul said...

Please tell your dad, from someone in his thirteenth year of widespread, intractable pain from what was originally misdiagnosed as an unusually widespread Myofascial Pain Syndrome but which turned out to be progressive, undiagnosable, and involve nerves, bone, skin, and connective tissue as well as muscle, that there is peace even when the pain doesn't end.

I frankly hope like hell that his pain ends or eases anyway because you're absolutely right: it sucks.

I went through an "anger phase" myself that lasted maybe four years.

Best to you and your father. Please remind him that he doesn't know yet what he doesn't know yet, whether it's what will happen with his physical pain or his outlook, and ask him to hang in.

Paul M.

Loz said...

I don't pretend to know pain in depth. I do know there is little you can do to ease it other than offer support. There will be times when he is angry but you sould not take that anger personally. Daughters and fathers need each other whether they realise it all of the time or not :)

Random Magus said...

Phil: Thank you for your prayers...

Mrs. Schmitty: It is draining... emotionally, physically and mentally. But I guess what doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Paul: Thank you so much for sharing... wish there was something I could say to express my empathy for your pain... but your courage is really inspiring. Thank you!

Loz: I am very close to my dad - he's my hero and I am the apple of his eyes...totally spoiled. So this is tougher - as my dad is by nature a very easy-going funny guy.