choices

In life there are always choices whether you choose to believe that or not. Sometimes not acting on a choice is a making a choice in itself. We can be fatalists and blame everything on destiny or the stars to take the easy way out but that would be a very passive way of living. Laziness and inertia can help one escape for a while but life is bound to catch up,  you need to push forward otherwise the merry go around will never stop turning.  But in all this staying true to oneself is of the utmost importance because going against your beliefs and the set of rules you have in place for yourself is bound to cause pain and great unease after the immediate gratification of pleasure. Life doesn't owe you favors you need to make your choices work with a deliberate intent to act! Burying your head in the sand and waiting for something to happen or blow over can work for a while but it's a bandaid on a bullet hole. So the best action is to grow up take responsibility for your action and your choices and move on!

ramblings

Words swim up but something holds them at bay

Maybe it's me maybe it's you

Maybe I know if put them down they won't stop 

Maybe that is what I am am scared off 

The onset of feelings and questions they will bring in tow

The end of blissfully ignorance the comforting numbness 

It's so much easier not feel so much easier not to think 

Not to have a raging storm battering the confines of my brains 

Or Maybe I am waiting for you...my audience

Do I perform only for you my spectators

Is there nothing I do which is for myself 

How much praise do I need

How much affirmation 

Why I can't I be enough for myself

Why do I need you to read and understand and praise...... 

Seeing is Believing????

I had gone to an amazing magic show called 'The Illusionists', sitting there watching them I thought when people say 'seeing is believing' they are talking a lot of crap. Because seeing can be quite misleading, what we think we are seeing can actually be a pack of lies and sensory information can be erroneous. Which got me to think about illusions and reality.

It's our brain that decides and interprets what we perceive. We actually see with our brains and not our eyes. What fascinates me is the behavior of the brain when presented with two realities... when an object has more than one picture the brain decides what it will perceive, shifting between the two realities, but sometimes that only happens when it is given the cue that there are two pictures.

Cognitive “illusions” rely on our knowledge about the world but we have conscious control over them (we can generally reverse the perception at will). When the brain deals with extra information it makes a choice of what we will see first and then when we are told there is another picture it recomputes so we can see that, like in the Rubens Vase. As soon as we know that there is another picture the perspective keeps shifting

I kept wondering what would happen if we were to show the vase to a person who doesn't know that there can be another picture, how long would it take them to perceive the other image, would they even perceive it at all. So I made my five year old look at the picture she saw the vase and I had to point out that there were also two women looking at each other before she saw it.

 I guess that's why the pursuit of knowledge and constant broadening of our experience is so essential because until we are made to realize there can be more than one reality we don't see it.

Sometimes we are prisoners of habit, programmed to behave a certain way and in most situations that unconscious or primitive response takes over and and we interpret what we see because of memory and old habits.

If we are told to read out the color of the text very fast, we can't manage, we just read the word instead.  The two parts of the brains are warring with each other. Its only when we slow down and consciously decide to be mindful can we accomplish this task.

 So does that mean that everything I perceive, see, hear, taste, touch and smell is just a reconstruction from sensory data? What I perceive as the world is actually just an idea in my head?

 And what of realities we can't perceive because our physical senses don't compute the sensory data? lets think of animals that can hear better than us - because we can't hear particular sound waves, have never experienced them we don't have a mental idea of them and hence we don't perceive, but that doesn't mean they don't exist...

 If there are no innate truths, and all truths come to us through our senses; what if those very senses were prone to be fallibility, then where do we stand? If truths are dependent on our senses than is a color blind person giving testimony to seeing something green which was in fact red be called a liar?

Our truths are individual to us and can only be known to us through the context of our own perception.  It is our own unique framework that determines how we understand and shape certain contexts and perspectives. Where we grew up, our culture our history, language all determine our reality. Everything we see is processed, analyzed, compared and seen through the lens of not only what is evident in front of us but all our past experiences. Our experiences give shape and form to our perceptions and sense of reality. So if I was born into a different religion and had a different truth would not my entire reality be very different?

So is our knowledge of the world, prisoner to our very human perspective? And even if the world we live is real, are we imprisoned in the illusions fed to us by our senses?

PS: On a totally different note and an update to my last post...a few days back I had a meltdown and I yelled so didn't make it for a week :( also didn't go for my anger management workshop as was really busy. But as a good friend pointed before managing anything one must find out where it is coming from and that is a work in progress.

One Week Challenge To Stop Yelling

I have been in the phase of my life which I am calling my problem definition and then actively searching for solutions for the identified problem phase. I have decided to just stop being so damned lazy and actually have a definitive plan of action with a to do list to fight my natural procrastination. Because to tell you the truth I have become a little sick of myself - at being ungrateful, complaining and generally miserable with my decisions and lack of action. So one day I woke up and decided enough is enough I have a damn good life, lovely kids albeit a handful, good health and home life so the only thing standing in the way for my developing myself was me... it wouldn't do to feel bad for not doing something or not working or having a career, wasting my education, yelling at my incredibly strong willed daughter. So the first thing on my to-do list is th take a small step and try not to yell for one week, I came across this blog, www.theorangerhino.com, in which this mom of 4 boys took a one year no-yell challenge and actually did it. Amongst my to-do list is of course * no yelling for 1 week [i am not brave enough to say one year] * Spend an hour a day on my blog * Spend an hour a day on my looooong over-due dissertation which i am ashamed to say i still haven't completed I have been thinking about whether I am chronically lazy or afraid of being a failure one sure way of not failing is not doing correct? But this not doing has created a lot of anger inside of me - and testament to my absolute commitment for this change is I am actually going to attend an anger management workshop [yikes] but trying new things means you are making an effort to bring about change... Fingers Crossed!!! But I know as long as I stop intending to, and just do it, there will be results that follow. Intentions really pave the way to inaction!!!

Walking around aimlessly I came upon this door, how come I had never seen it before? I turned the lock but it wouldn't open... How is this possible I thought...this place I know so well... How does it have a space I didn't know about?? How is it that I can't enter... I thought I knew each nook and cranny so where did you come from.. You mysterious door... What do you hold inside and what are you hiding from me...and how did you manage to remain unseen and hidden from me?!

My turn

Do we only pretend to listen? waiting impatiently for our turn to talk soon? Do we love just to be loved back? Is everything just about us? 

I'm still searching for words....
...even as the story nears the end!

We spend so much of our time creating the person we want to be, the person everyone likes or admires. A person who looks good and talks well and does all the right things. And paradoxically enough, in that self-absorption we lose the person we really are. Who is that person?

Is it the model wife or ideal daughter or the skilled hostess? Or is it some stranger that lives somewhere in our head furtively waiting for chances to come out when our defenses are down?

We get so comfortable that we forget to question why things are the way they are. That there’s a world that exists beyond the perfection we have created so painstakingly and that this world is not as ideal. We don't want to hear or think about it and when perchance we do, we want to change the topic to some superficiality, which happens to be the fad of the day.

We never want to meet that stranger because that stranger makes us look inwards, makes us question our validity, asks us to venture out of our luxurious dollhouse.

We never want to go through the looking glass... what if we find out that it is actually we, who are ones living our lives backwards.

Alive

Simplifying - not so simple

I truly believe that when you need some change in your life and you want it desperately enough the entire universe helps you onto the path. I have been suffocating under the pile of too much stuff - from text books that are no longer needed to jeans that I don't fit into anymore, in the hope of wearing them when I lose the post-baby weight .

Getting rid of everything has always been so difficult for me - I am a hoarder. W hen we moved countries it took more than four weeks just to clear up the clutter even then it wasn't done. I have some of my school books in my moms house, books from when I was in grade 6. So it is a chronic condition. I don't want to pass this onto my kids. I want them to grow up with a clear mind which is uncluttered - because I believe gathering clutter is a mental condition a deep insecurity that if you throw something out you will need and you will be stranded if it isn't there anymore. But knowing the reason for something doesn't mean that you can fix it. But I am trying.

So when I came across the website of Raelee Pierce and it led me to the journey of less, I truly believe it was in answer to my private supplication to be able to have a clearer head - to be able to breathe through the clutter of thoughts [which I am convinced will lessen if I can get rid of my hoard]

The journey started because I had been finding myself constantly yelling at my little girl feeling anger as she hit her infant brother and sometimes even rage at what I perceived to be her uncontrollable behavior. And one day as I yelled at her and saw her face harden my heart stopped, I knew this was one of the most precious relationship of my life and I didnt want to ruin it. So I went on a desperate search on the internet for help [strange as I avoid self help books] But I knew I needed help and doing it online would be the easiest. I had a free phone call session with Raelee and then she sent me a brochure about a summer 7 week session which involved reading a book, I pondered, not knowing whether it would work for me, but then thought what the heck. So I signed up and it brought me the book

When I came to the chapter on simplifying - it was like the universe had give me a massive kick on the rear end to get up and just let go - let go of stuff - let go off insecurities, let go of the fear of being lacking....

Well it has been only a couple of days but I threw away all the countess dvds and cds which hadn't been touched for years and which had followed me from one country to another

Are we all voyuers??

There has been this trend going in Facebook apparently started by women [which I seriously doubt] that women post answers in their status much like a meme, the question is known only to women.

It is an innocuous question with a provocative answer. It started with the bra colour question where women were supposed to write the colour of their bra. The question is sent in the inbox and you have to write the answer. How having everyone in your friends list and their grandmothers know the color of your bra helps breast cancer, I haven't been able to figure out.

For the latest one here is the message I received

Remember the game last year about what color bra you were wearing at the moment? The purpose was to increase awareness of October Breast Cancer Awareness month. It was a tremendous success and we had men wondering for days what was with the colors and it made it to the news. This year's game has to do with your handbag/purse, where we put our handbag the moment we get home for example "I like it on the couch", "I like it on the kitchen counter", "I like it on the dresser" well u get the idea. Just put your answer as your status with nothing more than that and cut n paste this message and forward to all your FB female friends to their inbox. The bra game made it to the news. Let's see how powerful we women really are!!! REMEMBER - DO NOT PUT YOUR ANSWER AS A REPLY TO THIS MESSAGE- PUT IT IN YOUR STATUS!!! PASS THIS TO ALL THE WOMAN YOU KNOW

And now women are putting down stuff like in on the couch etc. So it got me thinking that not only do we like to look in on the private aspects of other people's life but we want them to see ours, and then we put on an act and get outraged about infringement of privacy in our lives these days. I mean hello? why invite then get offended and accuse of trespassing?

So why do we do this? Is it to feel more attractive and desirable or is it a kosher way of advertising your femininity. Is it just the tease in us women. I fail to understand

What could this kind of status message have as its purpose other than to invite voyeurism and have others speculate especially men? Then to go on speaking about womens rights and feminism.

I think streakers are far more honest in their intentions - if you want attention have the bloody guts to be open about it and not hide behind stupid provocative Facebook statuses

If we don't remember something does it mean it does not exist for us???!!
I have been wondering why we don't remember our early years of course I have met people who insist they remember things from when they were two but I take that with a pinch of salt.
Anyway why don't we remember?
Kids do have a memory so why don't we have a recall of that memory?

of dreams

Dreams are like the shock absorbers of our mind they are the amniotic fluid that protects us - the brain defense against the monotonousness of everyday life. I love dreaming - my own mind shocks and stuns me and shows me a side of me that I didn't know I had.

Sometimes in my dreams I design the most beautiful houses, the most gorgeous clothes - I am a maker of beauty. I sometimes wonder if that capability is locked somewhere deep inside and I could unlock it with some fancy drug?

I sometimes like to think that we are actually two people one that functions when we are awake and the other rebellious twin that is locked up, and it waits for night to come out and play .

Or maybe they are both just as real but exist on different planes of times and space. Just the way when its night in some parts of the world and there is day in others - maybe our waking life is the dream of our dream self.

What I am trying to explain very badly is that when we are awake our other self is dreaming and our waking life is that dream and vice versa

Did that make it any sense?? Its kind of exciting when you think about it. Our dreaming selves meet people that we haven't!!

Just a thought

You know as kids we all imagined that our toys came to life in the night, when we couldn't see them and had a life of their own. Especially if you read a lot of Enid Blyton, with tales of golliwogs and naughty dolls.

Well the other night lying in bed reading a particularly favorite author I thought how cool would it be if the characters in a book did the same. Imagine them all coming alive inside the book and living out the words. And how fabulous if we could get a chance to slip into the books as an onlooker or an extra in a movie set.

It really would be a dream come true - that's why I love dreams so much - because these things do happen in dreams especially if you have weird dream like me

PS: The book I was reading was 'Bloodsucking Fiends' by Christopher Moore

You are what you do...ain't that true

Okay I apologize for the terrible rhyme, but it was irresistible. I have been doing a lot of thinking recently, after quite a long time it must be said, and I was thinking about what makes us who we are. In the past I used to think that our thoughts and intentions are a bigger part of that picture. But using myself as an example I have come to realize that the sum of all the actions you do in a day, not even a lifetime, just a day, build up to who who become. It is a constant evolution dictated by our daily actions so I might think I am a reader, or a thinker, or a writer but until I do those things regularly, my claim means nothing.
Just doing an action regularly slowly becomes part of who you are, what you think and your intentions are like fuel but no matter how much fuel you have in a car it will be useless until you turn on the ignition and actually drive.
So if you want to call yourself a charitable person just thinking good thoughts of others won't make you one you must be charitable on a regular basis.
If you want to become an artist pick up that brush and do something daily then you realize that most things that we want to be require discipline and dedication and a lot of effort and if we put that effort we will get there.
It is easy to hide behind insecurity of not being good enough but what we really lack is the hard work everyone wants it easy, the shortcut, the excuse of not being gifted naturally is the best example of not doing something because there is no easy way.
The only thing in my life that I have put in effort for is my daughter and I see the result of that in myself and can safely say that that when you do put in the immense hard work there is always an output that is tangible.
And similarly not doing something, you slowly chip away parts of yourself, we are not constant fixed being, parts can be taken away and added, we are a work in progress, as long as we put in the effort and constantly evaluate, weed out the unnecessary and cultivate whatever gives us our meaning, contentment naturally follows

It feels so strange to write after such a long time - I had turned my back on writing and now it seems so difficult to turn back. Why was I so lazy and is anyone even interested in knowing?
I just felt I had nothing to say – my self totally submerged in being another person.
I was walking farther and farther away from myself getting totally absorbed and assimilated into being someone else – the mother, who only had thoughts about her child read books regarding only her, all hobbies all activities centered around her.
What time was left, after she slept, squandered away in mindless games, its as if I was running away from thinking or being more. It felt that the only thing I could do well was being a mom and was scared to try to be more, it felt like my natural vocation and became a carte blanche to be nothing else. It felt so safe to be what I instinctively knew how, to do the the first thing I was so good at without it taking massive amount of effort.
I woke up to the slow atrophy of my mind after reading someone else’s innocent remark. Changes that are personal can come from such impersonal sources.
I find that strangely hilarious.
Now it seems that I am back to trying to reclaim some of my old self without feeling guilty.
It was so scary to return to this page like a garden that you had ignored and was now filled with weeds, at the same time I feel excited as well at this tentative reclamation.
It becomes very easy to hide behind excuses, to rationalize why you are wasting away your mind why you are turning your back on growing forward, so easy and safe to lapse into mindlessness after a tiring day….
I feel so exposed right now, my fingers hesitating at the 'publish post' button. That is what writing does…. it brings the mirror forward

Status updates in Facebook....

One of the most fun things about Facebook leaving aside the voyeuristic aspect which is a necesary part of the process, are the status updates.

They are not only a barometer to measure the 'status' of the person in question [a mini blog in itself] but also lead to interesting conversations much like the comment threads in blogs.

Often times you can tell who is fighting with whom and the undertones of what is not said tells so much more. The passion with which some make declarations of love and hate, bitter remonstrations, public displays of affection and lifetime achievements or the dull drudge of daily life are all part and parcel of this wonderful vehicle.

In any case I am digressing as usual - this is one of my status update and following comments which lead me to thinking... I think maybe first you should read for yourself.

Amber Azam-Kureshi's reflecting... There can be no happiness without the courage to deconstruct... that's why I suppose there are not too many truly happy contented people around

Friend #1
"sometimes the deconstruction isnt in ure hands...so if u were to deconstruct maybe u would have done it differently????and hence it requires luck then anything else...."

Friend # 2
"well i have spent the last few years deconstructing.. so i warmly await happiness as my reward"

Friend #3
"Luck, fate, coincidences..are misconception of our times. Believing in the above will result in a life tossed and turned by its conditions. Aim for a life where you dictate your circumstances..We make our own destiny!

“Increase your selflessness to such heights that before creating each destiny, God himself will have to ask the human “What is your opinion about this”.

Each and every one of us has to deconstruct in our life time, some do it knowingly and others in ignorance.

Who says that we have to wait for happiness or, go through the deconstruction phase being unhappy? Accepting the good and the not soo good from the divine with gratitudet will generate this content/happiness... Believe me, God has a clear plan for us!
"God does not play dice" Albert Einstein

Amber Azam-Kureshi
"When I was talking about deconstruct there was a clear distinction between ‘destroy' and 'deconstruct' sometimes we have to methodically and brick by brick take care of the excess we have accumulated - whether it is in material goods or emotional hang ups or misconceptions about the routes to happiness or what the world thinks constitutes as right or wrong.Sometimes we have to take chance and risks to make drastic paradigm shifts only then do we find out that what we previously thought we couldn’t live without or die for, doesn’t have the importance we give it.
And clutter does come in the way of happiness".

I have been thinking about this conversation in the midst of nappy changes and food wars and have concluded that yes it is not merely semantic there is a clear distinction and that lies in the method and rationality involved. To destroy somehow implies to emotionally ransack its irrational and thoughtless whereas deconstruction would be very logical, cold and ruthless

Even the words echo their delivery!

PS: Doesn't the word destiny imply that it is not in your hands?????

hello

Hi everybody, I have been the proverbial cry wolf, so won't even try to say that I am back. But was missing all the amazing people I have met during blogging so thought I'd stop and say hello. Part of the reason I have been so irregular is that all my day is spent with Aleyna and I hardly get time, when she goes to sleep there seems to be a whole other life to catch up on. But another part of the reason is that I feel that all words have dried up and I seem to only be able to talk about toddler menus and all things baby related - I must admit I have become totally one dimensional, I guess this is what happens after you have a baby. Even as I write Aleyna has managed to delete every word I wrote, thank God for the control z, button.

Being responsible for another human being is an awesome responsibility and an unbelievable pressure, you spent half of your time feeling guilty and the other feeling half quite proud of yourself. I honestly think us moms can be quite full of ourselves. I do this and this for my baby do you do it too? Everyone actually thinks they are the best parent and worst parent at different times.

Most other moms you meet are silently sizing up you and your tot and consciously and unconsciously you are doing the same. How much does she weigh, has she started walking? when did yours get her teeth and how many, do you feed her or has she learnt to self feed, etc etc. But somehow you don't mind being asked or asking. It is a club and you automatically belong. There is an openness and compassion, because each knows how tough it is to raise a little one and that you finally realize we all do the best that we can and that is all that matters. Doing the best you can.

Even if you have had problems fitting in with people all your life, or felt a square peg amidst round, a baby immediately standardizes and uniformizes you. Or at least that is what happened to me, and somehow where I once took pride in being 'different' now I don't mind being the same.

Is love unconditional?

Is there such a thing? People say that a mother's love is unconditional or God's love is unconditional. Unconditional love meaning love that has no expectations, love that just gives without accepting anything in return.

I have had countless arguments with people when they say that there is such a thing as unconditional and used to be told to wait till I was a mother to experience this phenomenon.

Well, I waited but still haven't reached any such conclusion. I feel a love for Aleyna beyond anything I have ever felt for anyone but then she is such a joy to me. Her smile when she sees my face in the morning literally makes my heart melt. But I still can't say it's unconditional as she give me love in return. I live for the new things she does and how she's growing a bit everyday.

With unconditional love you are not supposed to expect anything from the person you love, keep giving even when you don't get anything in return. It's true that only a parent gives more than they receive and they want the best for their child before themselves. A parent's love might be as close to unconditional love as one can get but nonetheless there are conditions attached to it. There is always an expectation, expectation that you will be a 'good' child. Expectations that change with time and some that are unconscious.

Unconditional love is a myth. You may fool yourself into thinking that you are loving unconditionally and don't want anything in return but that's not the truth. Even if you convince yourself that your love is unconditional and that you don't want anything for yourself, it might be the fact that it makes you feel good about yourself to feel like you have boundless love that doesn't want anything in return. Conditions always exist, some that might not be apparent to even yourself.

When we say we love someone unconditionally we are saying that we love the person for just 'being' and not 'doing'. We are deserving of love by just being a creation of God, that is enough of a reason to have intrinsic value independant of our actions. I can't wrap by head around that.

Because God too has conditions attached to our behaviour, what are the ten commandments if not conditions?

You hear people say how much life changes after having a baby but you realize the gravity and magnitude of that truth only after you've experienced it yourself. Its a momentous occasion truly but a lot of people have it before they are truly ready for it or understand its significance and the effects it necessarily has. Having a baby doesn't only mean having an adorable extension to your family it means a whole different dynamic taking place in your existence as a couple and you better be ready for it and have a strong marriage to sustain it as well as a strong sense of who you are.

In my case because of the long wait we were more than ready, there was already everything that we had done, the late nights and the parties were something that we didn't mind missing anymore. We already knew everything there is to know about each other and done everything from jumping out of the sky to partying all night. But even then it is difficult to maintain the balance between baby and hubby. I want to spend every waking minute with Aleyna to the exclusion of everyone and everything. I marvel at couples who have babies immediately after they get married - it certainly ain't easy. I have seen cases where after the initial excitement and whirlwind of the baby settles, the woman realizes that a huge change has taken place. She can't go out as much with her husband no more romantic candlelit dinners 'discovering' each other. A new marriage is in itself a challenge, where you have to learn to co exist with each other. You haven't laid grounds as a couple yet, not formed a foundation of your relationship to which you're adding another floor so to speak, thus the building isn't very strong to withstand the extra pressure. . The woman feels torn between looking after the baby, being with the husband or taking care of how she looks and ends up a mess. There is unspoken expectations to be super mom, super wife, superwoman and sometimes you lose the plot, add to that the extra pounds that don't necessarily make you look your best. The woman is not allowed to have a bad day or feel miserable, and unsure of herself or her new marriage because that is immediately categorized as being self indulgent and ungrateful of the miracle that is her baby. Talk about having too much on your plate.

But women make it through, I can only say that never in a million years could a man [correction 'most' men, there are always exceptions to the rule] have a baby and I'm not talking about the physical impossibility.....