Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Silly Jokes: Thursday Thirteen...attempt # 4


Thirteen of the corniest jokes possible



So I was debating whether I should list 13 of my favourite books or go in a totally opposite direction and list 13 jokes for 6-year olds. And the silly side won...they are childish but make me laugh...highlight to see more clearly...

Warning: The matter below is seriously corny and childish...read at your own peril


1. What did one eye say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells!

2. What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on a head, I will just hang around!

3. What did the ghost say to the invisible man?
Long time no see!

4. What did the doctor say to the man who complained he was shrinking?
You will just have to be a little patient!

5. What did the math book say to the history book?
Boy, do I have problems!

6. What did the cherry tree say to the farmer?
Quit picking on me!

7. Why did Cinderella's coach sit her on the bench
Because she ran away from the ball!

8. When is a car not a car?
When it turns into a driveway!

9. Why did the farmer bury all his money in his fields?
He wanted rich soil

10. What do you get when you cross SpongeBob with Albert Einstein?
SpongeBob Smartypants

11. What did the banana do when it heard the ice scream?
It split

12. Why does Oklahoma need a telescope?
To see what Arkansas!

13. Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crummy

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!
(leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

1. Titania Starlight



Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!





Friday, May 18, 2007

ADAM, EVE & THEIR BLASTED APPLE

Intro:
Lately I seem to be surrounded by high relationship dramas of he said, she said. Since these days I’m so obsessed with blogging, I thought why not share my thoughts with you - my whacky theory about Adam, Eve and their blasted apple.

Even people reading this who don’t believe in religion are familiar with Adam and Eve right? so don't go all judgmental but read with a pinch of salt

Prologue
Eve forces Adam out of Heaven…

Story Begins…
He never forgave her for it and neither have the generations of men following. Their collective consciousness, as I like to think of it, still harbors unconscious and for some very conscious resentment of all Eves.

Everything that goes wrong in their life is traced back to a woman, from a crappy boss to a bad job to a miserable life – it is all her fault as after all it was a woman who displaced the prince from the throne

Sometimes I think all this trouble for one measly apple?

But of course it wasn’t really about the apple was it.

Eve didn’t really care about the apple it didn’t matter whether it was sweet or sour and she didn’t particularly want to eat it either. She wanted to see if she could make Adam have it… prove his love so to speak [and so came the snake slithering in…]

The apple was never the issue - the issue was power - hers over him.

Story Continues...
And to this day the same story continues. All relationships are power games, some very subtle and running totally undercover and others not so subtle. There are apples all around disguised in so many shapes and forms, some cajoling, others shoving it down someone’s throat. And the name of the snake in this story is power a.k.a control

In the beginning the power issue is covered by the headiness of new love, couples lost in the hazy glow of love, ecstatic with euphoria, which they insist on sharing with all and sundry in unabashed displays of public affection. So what if 6 months down the road we have our aforementioned friend rear its smooth, round and perfectly delicious head.

Of course any reading this post currently in that particular phase of love will shake their heads disdainfully – but you’ll see what I mean. It happens to everyone even people happily married. Power and its distribution is what makes everything run. The human race is all about 'survive or perish' and to survive we need power – either to relinquish all of it or to wield it.
Not to digress from the topic of relationship [wonder if I ever got there] of men, women and of course apples… basically we repeat and relive the Adam, Eve saga with bizarre twists and storylines

The Adam who likes to think he is in control but isn’t meets the Eve who actually is

In this case our Adam likes to think he has the power and is a forceful, dominating person but actually isn’t. If humans behaved rationally he would be attracted to an Eve who would cajole, feed and flatter him, and make a nice pie out of that apple… he would do anything for her – you could maybe even find him putting the toilet seats down and or helping Eve with household chores. I think I'm getting too fanciful here...
All he needs is a couple of massages, nicely cooked meals not necessarily every day, compliments and to be made to feel like he is indeed the king of the castle.
But of course human nature being perverse there are far more chances that he will be attracted to an altogether different sort of Eve... this one means business. No flattery or massages here.
She won’t let him get away with pretending he is running the show... its equal or nothing. Apple sliced down straight in the middle.
Of course initially poor Adam huffs and puffs trying to bring the house down... he shouts and throws a tantrum she throws a bigger one…

There are other scenarios…
Control Freak Eve and an even more controlling Adam
Passive Aggressive Eve and a slightly dominating Adam [that’s me and hubby]



…. But their tales can wait, for now I’m going to eat my apple!




DISCLAIMER:
This article is not meant to offend anyone and if it did it’s all the fault of the apple on my right ;)

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

When helmets make no sense

Got this in my mail thought I'd share!


SERIOUSLY? A helmet to protect your head in case of a fall?





Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Encounter Of A 'Strange' Kind

Hell hath no fury... and boy did I truly appreciate the veracity of this very apt saying.

My husband and I had gone for a barbecue to a friend's house. It was a very pleasant evening, sitting outside in his garden, enjoying the beautiful weather. Met a lot of new people, a couple of South African gentlemen, some other couples, a woman who had been in the Olympics she used to play badminton professionally for seven years. I can't recall where she was from I think Russia or Poland or somewhere. She was cool.

So this woman who this story is about [not the Olympiad] but a seriously insane gal, was the host's current girlfriend or love interest I don't know which. It was the first time I was meeting her. When we entered she was dancing away a little drunk. Well we got the hello, hi and other pleasantries out of the way and then my hubby and I went and sat outside. She stayed inside... dancing to her own crazy tune.

After a delicious dinner, guitars were brought out and someone started singing. It was a lovely summer breeze and the ambiance was just right, people who hadn't met before gelling together because of good music and good wine and just the spirit to make it a nice evening. At one point she came out, gave us all a pointed stare then went inside and turned the music full blast [she really did have no manners or social graces] anyway the jam session outside had to end. But I think we were enjoying it so much that some brave soul ventured in and switched off the music [Aside: I think this must have been the point that she lost the few marbles she had left in her brain]. Up till now the unhinging of the 'crazy' one was silent. Silent but deadly.

People started singing outside again. She came out for a brief drunken interlude to say that she didn't like the singing coz she wanted to dance that we all were boring old farts [not in the same exact words but that was the gist]. Later on our host joined us as we sung Simon and Garfunkel songs.

This incident, I'm talking about happened when I had to go the ladies room. I went to a room where I had gone earlier as I was not too familiar with the house, it was only my second visit there, and the other bathroom was occupied. The room was dark and the door slightly ajar, so I went in. At this point I didn't know that there was someone else in the room then I saw a figure lying on the bed, I apologized politely and started to back out when I saw the figure lift its head.

It was then this woman sprang out of bed and literally lunged after me screaming obscenities. She starts shouting and accusing me, saying stuff like, 'just because i was sleeping with her boyfriend/our host [whom by the way I'd met twice in my life] it didn't give me the right to enter the room and switch on the lights [which I hadn't done as I had not gone in far enough to even get to the light], who did i think I was etc etc.

Really taken aback, I tell her she's mistaken, I'm very happily married, here with my husband and all I wanted to do was use the bathroom, really urgently, but nothing had any effect on her it was as if she were waiting to pounce on me as soon as she got the opportunity.

There I'm standing shocked out of my skull, wanting desperately to go to the loo and this shrieking banshee is coming at my throat.

It shames me to say it but I ran out, I didn't want to create a scene at some one's house, someone that I didn't even know that well, who was my husbands' new friend or fall to her obviously low standards. As luck would have it, it was hubby that was in the other loo. I pounded on the door and told him to either come out or let me in because by this time I seriously wanted to punch her out.

The banshee followed me, my hubby came out and told her to bloody well stop screaming at me but she wouldn't, she kept saying such horribly ugly stuff. By this time I was in tears I know that sounds wimpy but it's terrible to have someone screaming at you, I have never had anyone treating me with such animosity or disrespect or assassinating my character like this. I think I was crying with rage.

My hubby told the host to control his girl. I have never seen him so angry, if he wasn't such a gentleman he would seriously have slapped her. Now the host is, one of the nicest people I've met since we moved here, very hospitable and polite and well mannered. So he was mortified.

I came out in the garden she continued her screaming inside now at him, I wanted to go back inside now that the initial shock had subsided, and let her have a piece of mind, but my husband and the other guests told me to let it go and ignore her as she had been having temper tantrums on and off the whole evening from even before we got here. Anyway we sat for a while and then left with our host profusely apologetic. I wished I had slapped the bitch!

The funny thing is that to this date, I don't understand what pushed her over the edge, why she turned on me at all, why she said what she did and what led to the entire twisted thought process. I hardly had any contact with her as I was outside the whole evening.

Do women get so jealous of any other passably good looking woman who is treated with respect and regard? And she was a really attractive looking woman herself so why would she suffer from low self esteem and act so weird.

I guess self esteem and self respect have got nothing to do with looks or maybe too much alcohol just ain't good for ya!

I have had only two such intense confrontations, this one that happened almost two years ago and another fairly recently, but boy, women are so much scarier then men!!!

We are now pretty friendly with the aforementioned host minus the psycho. We were talking about it today and laughing away, so I thought I'd share my encounter of the third kind!!!

Monday, May 7, 2007

Post Inspired by a Fellow Blogger

Whenever I visit Cochise aka Apache's site - it brings a smile to my face so I thought since I have been rambling on and on about heavy stuff - here's to laughter, light and sunshine

WHAT WILL I BE WHEN I GROW UP?




Sunday, April 29, 2007

The Secret for longevity ;)

A passerby noticed an old lady sitting on her front step. He asked her, "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look! What is your secret for such a long happy life?


I smoke 4 packets of cigarettes a day" she said. "Before I go to bed I smoke a nice big joint.Apart from that I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends I pop a huge number of pills and no exercise at all".

"This is absolutely amazing at your age", says the passerby. "How old are you?




Twenty four!

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Laughter - the Best Medicine

They say smiling is infectious.... since I'm in need of smiles around me I thought what better way to have them then spread them. Hope this brings a smile to someone's face somewhere!

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Funny...Funny...Funny

A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says "Hey Koala ! what are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says


"Fucccccccccck dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Some cute pics


Me and my Babies
Oh how I ADORE cats and how I miss mine!

Letter to Proctor and Gamble: Truly Hilarious

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"?

I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?


As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:

"Have a Happy Period."

Are you f**** kidding me?


What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like
"Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong",
or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh**.

And that's a promise I will keep...
Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX