Monday, May 14, 2007

An emotionally spent day!

This is going to be a short blog - it's so strange and unfamiliar, the person that blogging has unleashed in me. I have always been the girl who looks the sweetest and the happiest - all sunshine and rainbows and pretty bubbles.

Nothing further away from the truth. It's difficult for me to share with people, my feelings of pain - so my shiny, happy exterior helps me give the impression that there's is nothing going on with me and I' happy and free.

Blogging has helped me relinquish control over my my feelings, there's something so wonderfully liberating and nonjudgmental or consequential about showing emotions through words . To a person who is a control freak in an almost scary proportion this is heaven. It's been such a difficult day for me today and even as I write this I feel the reticent, parts of my personality cringe at showcasing such a vulgar display of emotion. But I'm so damned scared and upset.

My dad has a bypass on the 29th of this month for which I'm going home, and my mom just had local chemotherapy for some sort of tumor that keeps coming up and I'm so damned far away.

This whole day, I have been pretending to be this totally okay person in front of everyone because I hate showing my vulnerability to people - I feel naked and exposed so I pretend... but now in this present moment I feel spent.

And I can just break down and cry - because I can't imaging a world without my parents.

Will probably hate myself for this outpouring of emotion tomorrow but anesthetized by wine right now.

Good night everyone and please pray for my dad's operation!

Love to all the mothers!!!!!

15 comments:

dan leone said...

I am not going to say anything but that I wish you strength during this time.

Take care.

Dan Leone

Blur Ting said...

Take care and be strong.

Titania Starlight said...

Sending prayers of healing your way. Please take care.
((((hugs))))
Titania

Mimi Lenox said...

What a time you are going through. I am sorry.

My dad has had two bypasses and survived each one when all the odds were stacked the other way - even being diabetic and frail in his seventies. I just saw him a today and I can so relate to what you're going through - had a total meltdown in the car on the way home. But I've learned not to stifle the tears and try to embrace my vulnerabilities. It is not a sign of weakness, but of strength.

Writing will help. Blogging will help. The blogging community can be a supportive and caring group of people. Take care of yourself and write, write, write, cry, write, talk it out and write some more.

You will be OK.
Praying for you and your family.

sage said...

prayers for your dad and mom

Peter Haslam said...

My prayers are with you and you are not alone as you can see.

Random Magus said...

Thank you all so much from the bottom of my heart...your prayers mean a lot to me!
Love
Amber!

The Real Mother Hen said...

You have my best wishes and sincere prayers.

Gregory A. Becerra said...

All of us are so different, but most have fears that we carry around with us. My greatest fear is if I was not around for my two boys—to help them, protect them, and teach them until they could stand on their own.

People stand next to each other on the street each day not knowing how similar they are to each other. If only we would use that time to be open and understand this. Life scares most sane people because it's so fragile. It's this fear that makes it so beautiful when we have moments that we allow ourselves to get close to others.

At some point we lose people we love and care for. And it hurts like hell. And we are powerless. But where we have power is in the moments we shared and share now with those close to us. Each moment we share gives us a piece of that person, even if it is only a thought.

You'll never be without your parents because they are part of you, but I know what you're saying. It's both a horrific and wonderful feeling because it reminds you that you are alive and that you love someone.

HollyGL said...

I know how you feel in terms of wanting to shield vulnerability with smiles and a "positive attitude". You're obviously in a safe space here, so feel free to share your emotions.

Know that you and your parents are in my prayers.

Random Magus said...

Thank you...I need all the prayers I can get!

Certifiable said...

Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Chin up! Be strong, you'll get through this difficult time. Take Care

(Twisted Sister)

insanity-suits-me said...

In times like these we find out just exactly what we're made of and you'll be surprised at how much inner strength you really have. Rely on that and it will see you through.
PS: crying is good
(the other twistedsister)

Michelle said...

I was on the other side of the world when my mom had hip replacement surgery.

I cried buckets during that month. :(

There's nothing worse than being far away from your loved ones when there's a crisis.

I hope your mom and dad are both getting better now.

khlari said...

Know exactly what you mean about blogs being a liberating force- somehow you can be different on the blog post than in person.....life isn't always that easy to get through, it throws many differenet kinds of difficulties.....

But the writing will help to salve the pain....

Bright blessings....